Looking Through A Glass Window

2008-10-13T22:58:00.001+11:00

i was doing an interview for a journalism peice, and this was quoted as one of the girl's favourite verses. And i can see why, it's so beautiful that you could almost cry for the sheer beauty, hope and truth which resounds...

The version found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

Now..how beautiful was that... :)

2008-09-23T21:28:00.003+10:00

Most of us think we're good people.
That because we're not the perpetrators of evil like Hitler, or Stalin, or Mao, or Pol Pot..
All the names synonymous with the most exacerbated evil history has seen.
The names who make up the reason for millions of lives which were lost.

But somehow, in our lament and crusade to be 'good people'..we forget one imperative fact.

we ARE evil in some sense.

we're evil of inaction.

so next time, before you delcare yourself a 'good person', think long and hard. NOT doing something bad doesnt make you good.

all you are is ignorant.

2008-09-18T22:37:00.003+10:00

I now know that the only time i ever realy blog with any form of consistence is when i have a myriad of assignments due..haha! And now's that time. So i guess this is a picture perfect story of procrastination for you! A couple of things..

1) I think i wanna kill my sister. She has no grasp on the meaning of 'SHUT UP'..and doing a politics essay with her screaming out miley cyrus lyrics in the backgroud isnt actually an environment condusive to getting the distinction i want. Oh help.

2) I think i wanna kill my sister cuz for some reason, she's OBSESSED with the music from high school musical, Sharpay in particular..And not only is she obsessed, she cant since to keep that obsession to herself. She has proceeded to memorise the whole soundtrack and is now screaming THAT out too! FUN!

3)I think i hate politics.

4) I think i hate uni (not really, but just for now. Work with me here!)

5) Anyone wanna help me burn down Monash? Please? I cant pay you, but the satisfaction in itself will be the ultimate reward!

6)We can then, without any reservations say "SCREW ASSIGNMENTS!" and actually mean it.

and

7) As is pretty obvious, i'm sure you can all see that i've gone mad. (what's new right?)

LOL! Back to PLT1040.

2008-09-18T22:37:00.002+10:00

It only just dawned on me. I never really had any big dreams when i was Singapore. Never. Not that i can recollect anyway.I mean, sure, i had the childish fantasty of being a doctor (and that dream was obliterated when i realised i sucked at chemistry and physics!), and then i wanted to be a meterologist when i was in primary school (but honestly? like i'd be happy informing ppl about the weather all my life!), and then for a brief moment, i thought i might just wanna be a psychologist (and then i realised that my head was probably more warped than anyone who might be suicidal enough to come to ME of all people!)..

And that was pretty much it. Nothing ever concrete though. Nothing to work toward, nothing i eagerly perused university sites for, nothing i fantasised myself doing 10 years from then.

Nothing. Till i came here.

And then, it was like magic. Everything just started falling into place, and for once, i could see a future; and a bright one at that. I mean, to go as far as to say that i know EXACTLY what i wanna do would be a lie. But at the same time, to say that i'm staring into a hopeless oblivion devoid of dreams would be a blatant lie as well..

So for now, i'll just leave it at this. I dont have all the answers, not by a long shot. But i know one day, i WILL be someone great. i WILL be doing something i love. and i WILL be satisfied with my life.

i just wish that day was today. I'd even settle for tomorrow.

Kirk's Movie

2008-09-18T10:31:00.001+10:00

Hey Guys..I dunno why, but this morning when i woke up, stemmiong from Sammy's post-gilmore girls obsession with alexis bledel.. this just sprung to my head..man oh man..all the WIERDO things kirk did through the show! Now i'm laughing so hard i cant really type anymore..so ENJOY!

2008-09-13T19:11:00.003+10:00

Ok, so this is apparently my 100th post. I realise it took me long enough to get here, but hey, with the irregularity of my blogging these days, its not hard to imagine why.

I actually have alot thats been happening, but honestly, writing it all down here is way too draining, and i don't quite have the energy or the will. But one thing i WILL say, is that, life sure has a nasty way of sneaking up on you. Things have the apparent illusion of looking perfect, and then in one felt swoop, things change. Words which cannot be retracted are spoken, tears that cannot be reclaimed are shed, memories which shouldnt be lost are eradicated, and dreams which should have been a reality are shattered.

In short, things change. In the blink of an eye, and your helpless against it.

It sorta feels like the darkness is fast closing in on me now, but then again, when you think about it, theres beauty even in the darkeness, in the dark of the night. And no matter how lost you get, there are always those twinkling stars to point you in the right direction. Show you the way home. Make it all better.

So when the night comes, fear not, cuz theres always the promise of dawn which awaits.
Now if only i could make myself believe that.

2008-08-30T20:31:00.002+10:00

I guess it's been a long time since i last blogged. Well, truth be told, i'm not quite into the whole "blogging" phenom anymore. But oh well, just for the heck of it.

I went to an International Careers Conference at RMIT on friday, and though the whole seminar was rather informational, but needless to say, the pinnacle of the entire day was that i got to meet Tim Costello, the CEO of World Vision. Throughout the course of his speech, Mr. Costello had his audience enthralled, infact, i'd go so far as to call him a riveting speaker. But for me, what i took most out of it, was a quote he injected in closing.

Frederick Buechne says: “The vocation for you is the one in which your deep gladness and the world’s deep need meet.”

And that really stayed with me. We should all be so lucky to find a career path that coincides with our passions. If only. Well, i guess we can only hope and pray that we're on of the lucky ones. I sure as hell hope i am. I wanna be able to wake up every morning for work with a smile instead of a groan, with excitement instead of dread.

PS: i think Obama's one of the greatest speakers since the likes of Kennedy and Malcolm X. Purely inspirational. If there was any doubt in people's minds as to who deserved the presidency more, McCain or Obama, i think it was all eradicated in his acceptance speech. To quote him, "Washington will not being change to us. We must bring change to Washington."

Only have one word for him. "Wow!"

2008-07-04T00:58:00.004+10:00

One lesson the year 2008 has not failed to teach me, is that the one constant 'gift' that life finds infinite pleasure in presenting to the human race is PROBLEMS.

They arive at rather inopportune moments, on the brink of possible happiness, and more often that not, are the children of what you assumed to be a trivial non-issue.

But along with that lesson, i have also come to know that you can only give life a chance to be beautiful and as far from imperfect as you possibly can (cause lets face it, perfection is something akin to myths) by making a decision to let the good stuff count for more than the bad.

Guess you sometimes just have to be a "glass 1/2 full" kind of person to get through the rough patches, and as much as it kill me to say this, given that i'm not exactly the poster girl for that whole "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens", mary poppins loving, "i love life" kind of behaviour....

THE OPTIMIST DO HAVE A VALID POINT. DARN THEM! =]

Mandisa - God Speaking

2008-06-16T17:54:00.001+10:00

Hey Guys, here's a song that i just heard,and the words are so incredibly beautiful that it almost made me cry..Its music like this which still gives me hope for tomorrow, hope to sustain the thought that not everything has to be flesh barring, and portray scantily clad people gyrating against one another..

To me, ths words are so truly the epitome of inspirational..Enjoy!

GOD SPEAKING- MANDISA

Have you ever heard a love song that
Set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise and
Felt you could not breathe
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
Who already knew your name
What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear
What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

His ways are higher
His ways are better
Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
Who knows how He'll get a hold of you
Get your attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us "I love you"

God is speaking
"I love you"

Australia Battle of the Choirs show 1 Blenders Choir

2008-06-16T01:27:00.001+10:00

Hey Guys, check this out...a new reality show called "The Battle of the Choirs" just started..and as corny as it sounds, it was actually rather entertaining to watch..ESP amidst my vehement attempts at procratination from studying..sigh. Anyways, i don't think the quality's too good, but ENJOY! One of the judges is Charli from Hi5! (for those of you who had a NORMAL childhood and actually watcha stuff like that and dared to enjoy it)..and she incidentaly CRIED at the end of this performance..how sweet (err..) was that?! Naw..

ALrighty...back to non-procratinating. Yet again..God help me.. PS: SAMMY!! thanks for calling! I LOVE YOU! and it was nice to hear that familiar singapore accent again..i think you're warped humour has won a place in joseph's heart forever..LOL!

2008-06-04T23:55:00.002+10:00

Semester 1 Uni exams start tmr for me..and my brain cells are so incredibly FRIED from all the studying that my best mate just told me i sound drunk..how's that for being driven to insanity?

My head's swarming with information for my exam tmr. COM1010 (Media and Communications) and as interesting as it MAY sound? U beg you, PLEASE don't be fooled..It has been officially dubbed as THE subject to make journalism students either...

A) drop out of the course
or
B) Switch to another course

Neither outcome isn't very ideal...Back to the swarming head..i have all these terms and facts swimming around up there..semiology, intertextuality, archetypal people, dialogism, structuralism, textual analysis, Truman and his bloody agoraphobia..

Thats it, i'm turning in for the night..this is going no where fast..i'm just gonna go even MORE mental than i usually am, and those of you who have the pleasure (disdain) of knowing me, would know that that's not a good sign. Not in the least. WIsh me luck! Night World!

2008-05-31T00:00:00.002+10:00

It's only when the impossible begins unravelling before your very eyes, transforming into reality, that you really start to question things.

Question what you know, or what you THINK you know. Only then does the unfathomable possibility hit you..There's so much more out there. An inifinite world of questions waiting to be answered.

So much left to be found out. Maybe it isn't all merely a matter of black or white. Maybe life really does find unseen paths; the road not taken.

Maybe, just maybe, life'll surprise you in a good way...

2008-05-28T10:07:00.002+10:00

OH MY GOSH!!!

I just re-read my last post, and i don't believe how INCREDIBLY EMO i was! LOL! Nvm, emo time's over..hahaha! i'm back to being my happy self. For now anyways..haha!

ANYWAY..The newest American Idol was just recently crowned last thursday, and honestly, for the very first time since American Idol started its stellar run on television in Season 1, i really didn't care who ultimately won...They were BOTH utterly deserving of the prestegious title. However, having said that though, i'm glad Cook won..I mean, from bartender to rockstar. That truly must be the epitome of the "American Dream". Truthfully, on the night of the finale itself, i think that Archuleta far surpassed and outshone Cook, but in my opinion, and this mught be biased, but come on! Any guy who's a WORD NERD, knows what juxtapose is, AND can sing like that, should be the American Idol. Not to mention that he's been so incredibly consistent as well, and is never afraid to take risks and go that extra mile for his music...O shit. I should have said that bit shouldnt i? LOL!

Here are some of my favourite moments of BOTH the Davids..

David Cook

1) Hello [this is the moment i first fell in love with his music..sigh!)http://www.imeem.com/rhoroe/music/HQIYG-b2/david_cook_hello/

2) The music of the night http://www.imeem.com/rhojmusic/music/poadafBi/david_cook_the_music_of_the_night_studio_version/

3) Innocent http://www.imeem.com/groups/iYPRoonS/music/2mZdqTjl/david_cook_innocent_studio/

David Archuleta

1) Imagine (really gave me goosebumps!)http://www.imeem.com/shehisshi/music/uTZWdwWk/david_archuleta_imagine_live/

2) In this Moment (Finale)
http://www.imeem.com/people/WnOHQjg/music/ZN-w7nKH/david_archuleta_in_this_moment/

ENJOY!

2008-05-23T23:40:00.005+10:00

I just finished watching PS I love you, and staying true to tradition, i didnt cry. I barely ever cry at anything anymore. I can't seem to muster up enough strength to cry. Instead of crying though, i now find myself left with this gaping whole inside of me. I could lie and say that i don't know why that is, or why it's there, but in truth, i know full well. I'm lonely. I'm surrounded by so many people, with a perpetual smile on my face, and an ever ready kind word to give to anyone who might be in need of it; but in truth, i'm lonely. I'm so lonely. I'm tired of doing it on my own. I just want someone to hold me, to provide me with a cocoon, a safe haven from the world, if only for a while. Someone to lie to me, saying that everything's gonna be alright, if only to make me feel momentarily better.

Sometimes i ask myself, why the hell can i not just screw principles!? So what if i don't quite believe in dating? If it would help get rid of this ache inside, this gaping whole i can't quite seem to seal...then why the hell not?! But then again, i'm me. Enough said. I guess as the saying goes, "this too shall pass", and i'll be fine tmr. I have to be, cause no one's gonna do it for me.

Tomorrow i'll paste a smile on my face, put on a masquerade, pretending that everything's all fine and dandy. But that's tomorrow. For now, i just wanna curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, hoping that tonights rain will wash away this pain, leaving me with tomorrow, a brand new day. A clean slate.

and truly for now? I guess what Patricia says in the movie really is true:

"So now, alone or not, you've got a walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."

2008-05-21T01:26:00.002+10:00

Now if we had the power to bring our neighbours home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas, no more ribbons on their door.
When you trust your television, what you get is what you've got,
cause when they own the information, they can bend it all they want.

That's why we're waiting,
waiting on the world to change.
We keep on waiting,
waiting on the world to change.

As Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". Don't wait around for others to initiate it, cause that's not likely to happen. So if you want something done, or if you're unhappy with something, get off your asses and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Change is not gonna come 'a-looking' for you. You have to go in search of it.

2008-05-11T22:41:00.002+10:00

Given my apparent absolute lack of time, I now have to resort to blogging after my whole tiresome day is over. And then i suddenly wonder, why it is that i dont simply STOP BLOGGING!

and i don't have an answer..what can i say? i'm just glutton for writing. addicted.

that being said, my sis has a new (not improved) obsession.
it started with candyman by christina, then it was zac effron, then it was high school musical (kill me..cuz she knows ALL the words to the annoying songs!), and THEN it was Low by Flo' Rida and NOWWWWWWWWWWW....

get ready..

it's MILEY CYRUS!!!

oh. my. God.
what is the world coming to? kill me please..

2008-05-06T17:47:00.002+10:00

This is something that made my jaw drop one moment, and made me smile the next. It's advertisments like these which give us hope that the media isnt the blood sucking, vehement predators, totally obsessed ith profits like they make them out to be..ENJOY!

“We don’t hire Turks, Greeks, Poles, Indians, Ethiopians, Vietnamese, Chinese or Peruvians.”

At bottom: “Nor Swedes, South Koreans or Norwegians. We hire individuals. We don’t care what your surname is. Because ambition and determination have nothing to do with your nationality. McDonald’s is one of the most integrated companies in Sweden, with as many as ninety-five nationalities working for us. Join us at mcdonalds.se.”

2008-05-04T19:37:00.002+10:00

Hey Guys,

I know my blog has been lagging in love for the past month atleast..All i can say is that, whichever idiot said that it gets easier when you get to uni, is a M.O.R.O.N!!! Cause it's as far from the truth as you can get. I apologise, cause this is gonna be a short post, given my absolute lack to of time nowadays..So i'll give you the cliffnotes version..

WHAT'S NEW WITH...

-Oaktree: I'm LOVING it! Its SO much work, cuz i'm in charge of like 5 ppl, and i've gotta delegate tasks, set up meetings, write articles, give speeches, organise events..its a helluva lot of work..and esp now since we're coming to the final event in the END CHILD SLAVERY campaign..the night of all nights..the GLOBAL NIGHT SHIFT, which is pretty much this mASSIVE concert being held simultaneouly all over australia, in an effort for australians to stand up to child slavery..and i'll get to meet EVERMORE cuz they're playing at the melbourne concert!

-Uni: its hectic, to say the least..i can honestly say i don't have a moment of boredom, except of course when i'm falling asleep during the uber boring lectures..lol! OOOO!! and good news! i've got distinctions for all my assignments so far..so thats AWESOME! Downright miraculous actually, considering all i have on my plate right now.. Oh! and i finally got to see my name in print..i got my first byline! woooo! it was a feeling like no other...and i hope to God i get to feel that exhileration over and over..

yea, so thats the nutshell..There's heaps more going on...but right now, i've got to get started on my 2nd communications essay..useless 2500 words..KILL ME!

ps: sammy and joce! i can't WAIT for you guys to come to Melbourne! ARGHHH!!!
pps: i dont know why, but i have "She holds the key"- by Gavin Degraw stuck in my head...and i have the song on repeat..i LOVE it!

thats it ppl, i'm out..wish me luck!

2008-04-08T21:20:00.002+10:00

The. One. With. The. Full. Marks

For those of you who knew that i was gonna sit for my Australian Citizenship test today, as well as for those of you who didnt know (i did!),

I PASSED WITH A FREAKIN 100%!!!! WOOO HOOO!!

Lol! Needless to say, i'm estatic, and over the moon...[insert any other words or phrases you can associate with overwhelming joy here] cause my brain cells are fried. The jubilation was short lived though, i had to hustle off to Uni for my 2 o'clock criminology lecture and tutorial right after. so that was FUNNNNN!! and tmr, i've gotta go to Oaktree again...so once again, i'm pretty much SWAMPED! all i can say is that the studying paid off BIG TIME!

Alrighty, i'm off! Night World!

2008-04-03T13:58:00.002+11:00

I. AM. BUSY. AND. I. NEED. SLEEP.!!!!

Alright, so i know i havent blogged about my Canberra Trip yet, but somehow, i just can't really be bothered with it, cause i have absolutely NO TIME! So in short, it was AWESOME, one of the highlights was seeing the Parliament House and finally being able to put all that theory i did in law last year into a visual sight. I got to see where the HOR sat, debating the laws to be initiated into parliament, i saw the portraits of PM's come and gone, line the the oak walls, and man, it was magnificent. I had a blast!

Moving on, yesterday saw Melbourne in an uproar, and well,for lack of a better word, it was the epitomy of CHAOTIC...there were MEGA STRONG WINDS, and seriously, PEOPLE were flying..i almost did. Runi would have if she hadnt run for cover...and the icing on the top of the cake was that the electricity at the library in uni went out..so runi and me (who were there with every intention of finishing our useless international studies essay that was due on fri), had to find an alternative place to study. And the things just kept coming, and hence, we have now labelled the 2nd April 2008 "RUNI AND JOANNA'S HISTORICAL DAY"...here's a breif outline..

-runi saw her 'guy'
-i finally introduced her to 'president'
-i bought tickets for Insomnia and got OOGLED at by inidian guys
-she fibbed a lie about a doc appt to cut out of tutorial
-her skirt had a FIELD DAY flying up in the wind
-1/2 way through the day, right before lunch we realised we were both BROKE
-we had 'FUN' digging for coins
-the library electricity went out
-we decided to go to the lib on the clayton campus
-we walked to her car and got bombarded by SAND (can i say OUCH!)
-the car almost got blown of the road
-we got to the uni, and had to 'beg' for $$$ for parking
-a tree ahd fallen down
-there was mass chaos @ clayton with the police, sirens, and an evacuation of the Menzies Building (false fure alarm)
-we got to the lib, and it was SWAPMED!
-we had a WONDERFUL time finding books and a place to sit
-then decided to head home for lack of a better option (and got stuck in LONG AS TRAFFIC JAM!)

and omg...i think you get the picture...it was a VERY EVENTFUL day...! and i resolved to get home, and not do anything else till i finished my essay. and i DID! only, after 4 hours on the floor, i got a leg cramp and a LITERALLY numb butt..BUT good news is that i FINISHED MY ESSAY..! and now i'm so tired, i wanna just SLEEP, but i CANT cuz i hafte study for my aus citizenship test, do my reading for my classes tmr, and then, i hafta get ready soon for work at the oaktree foundation...GO ME!

o man..i just wanna SLEEP! and the sad thing is that i havent watched a movie in AGES! can we have more hours in a day? PLEASE!?

2008-03-23T20:29:00.002+11:00

Omg omg omg!!! I GOT IN!!! I am FREAKISHLY happy right now! Wooooo! I get to be a part in making a difference to an issue that i truly care about. How freakin cool is that?

Tmr i'm going into the city with runi to the Melbourne State Library, cuz the wonderful one at monash is closed due to the easter hols, and we have this major assignment to finish for our Media and Communications unit. :( Oh well, bright side to this situation? I finally get to see the interior of the library, when all i've even seen in the exterior. I know its pathetic given that i've lived here for 2 years, but there you have it.

Alright, now i hafta get back to studying. These idiots call it a term break for nothing. Break my ass. It should be re-named, "Time out of school for school work"...yea i know, it doesnt really work given its mega long nature. I'm out! Ciao!

2008-03-21T16:00:00.002+11:00

PRESSED. FOR. TIME.

Hey Guys..
i know i haven't been the most consistent blogger, but i seem to have barely any time to spare, which, as infuriating as it is, satisfies me to no end, because i absolutely love being busy. You could say that i thrive on it. It my opinion, you sleep when you're dead. So why waste time on it now. Since i don't quite have the time to go into evert minute detail of the goings on of my life, i'll shorten it to the most imperative bits..

-I'm gonna have my first peice published!! Woo hoo! I know its only the uni student paper, but nevertheless, being able to see my name in print, at the bottom of an article i wrote gives me a feeling that goes beyond exhileration!

-I just had an interview with the "End Child Slavery/Poverty" Campaign, which is pretty much run by this org some of you might have heard of, The Oaktree Foundation. I'll know by Sunday whether or not i get to be an ambassedor for the campaign. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but oh well, kinda hard not to. For those of you who wanna know more about the organisation and the (FANTASTIC) cause, here's the link..ENJOY!

www.theoaktree.org

And yea, those are the highlights..But generally, there are HEAPS of stuff going on, and i'm loving every min of uni life. It's not what i thought it would be, not by a long shot anyways, but its turning out to be quite a pleasent surprise. On the downside (Cause there HAS to be one to everything), i have like 3 assignments due on the first day back after term break ends on the 31st of March. So that's gonna be LOTS of fun...

and i KNOW this is a stupid qns, hence, i'm reiterating the fact that its a HYPOTHETICAL one..

WHY CAN'T THERE BE UNIVERSITY WITHOUT THE STUDYING?!!!

Haha, yea, toldya it was a stupid qns..anyways, i'm out for now...going driving! YAY! ps: for those of you who are wondering, NO, i have NOT crashed the car yet. Let's hope it stays that way.

2008-03-09T17:47:00.000+11:00

I was thinking...

Our eyes. They really are the window into our souls.

2008-03-04T23:34:00.002+11:00

The.Hazards.Of.Reading.

I know my blogging has been scarce of late. but BOY have i been busy with Uni! Those days of leisure and idlelism which constituted part of my hols seem so far away now, TOO FAR! i want them back!! hahah...but seriously, the amount of work there is, is downright ludicrous..

And the reading, oh GOSH the reading! KILL MEEEE!! I think they're trying to scare away the people who arnt really serious about being journalists. Serves me right for wanting to do journalism. but even with all my incessant complaining, i'm LOVING it...well, most of it anyways. Having to shuffle from one campus to another is rather cumbersome to say the least. Cuz there was a clash with my Internationl Studies lecture and my criminology lecture (and NO, its not like what happens in CSI. Thats a myth, as my lecturer Anna Erikkson didnt fail to convey to us on the very first lecture..haha!) So yea, other than that, i'm doing media and communications, which is, as of right now, pretty dry, but im hoping it'll pick up, as well as newsroom practice and thoery...which is proving to be my fav class of all, followed closely by Internation Studies...

I joined a coupld of clubs as well, like the Arts club, and the "make poverty history"club...as well as the uni magazine...i get to start writing articles pretty soon...so yea, all in all, its been pretty great..! My tuesdays are horrendous though, which is precisely why i'm gonna stop right here, and turn in for the night...i can barely keep my eyes open..!

night world.

2008-02-25T17:23:00.002+11:00

If only.

The worst possible sacrifice,
the greatest possible pain
are the words left unsaid
and
love gone unprofessed.

They are the
dreams that never become a reality
and the
spirit left broken and unmended.

The
smiles left unsmiled
and
the chances gone untaken.

They are our regrets, our what if's and our if only's.
They are what COULD have been.

2008-02-23T21:14:00.002+11:00

..Calling all Angels..

Love. Its like an obsession, a rabid addiction.

It makes you yearn for more, craving so much for it

that one day, instead of you partaking of it,

you find that it has sucked you dry

and left you helpless to wither...

Ok, on a less emo note (not for long), uni's started, and all of a sudden, replacing the excitment is now what i call my "blah" feeling. like i mean, what the hell was so exciting about getting back into STUDYING!? All the countless assignments, deadlines, presentations, and as i have newly found out, and ABUNDANCE of reading...God help me. Orientation was pretty alright, the first day was nothing short of miserable beacuse of the rain. It wasn't too nice scuttling around in puddles of H2O and getting splattered with every step. But yea, on the whole, it was alright.

Honeslty, whats all the hype with uni about? I feel tired just thinking about it now. Alright, i know i sound really emo, and SO not like my usual, optimistic, upbeat self, but after what happened on tuesday (i dont really want to talk about it), i'm not too keen on the whole "looking into the future and tryin to map out my dreams. I thought it was all behind me. The worrying about when it was gonna happen, the insecurities about being under the weather, the annoyance of having to be escorted everywhere cause you can't really be trusted around urself. I thought i'd said good bye to all of that, but apparently not. Surprise surprise!!

I wanna just wish it all away. Please, take it back. For once, i just wanna be normal. and love is good, but too much love that borders on babying? It can drive you insane. and i can see myself headed in that direction.

2008-02-14T15:23:00.002+11:00

It all comes to an end. Full Stop.

Tuesday night on the Melbourne train tracks marked yet another successful suicide attempt, and if memory serves me right, this is approximately the 5th attempt of putting an end to ones life via the tracks. And i know, that suicide has become such a cilched, common event that most people do no more than feel a small shred of sympathy for the deceased, being content to merely force it into the back of their minds as yet another failure at life.

From what happened however, i have now realised that people in this world fall into 2 categories.

1) The group of people who feel mournful at another lost life, wondering what could have gone so direly amiss which led to such an extreme solution.

AND

2) The group of people who feel nothing more than vast irritation and anger for the disruption that the suicide has caused to their daily lifes and routines, wondering why the person coudn't have found some other place or time to take their life.

Let me just say for the record, that people like these are despicable in my eyes, and the term "human" should under no circumstances be used to describe them, cause honestly? Anyone with even a small shred of humanity could never, under any circumstance be so selfish, narcissistic, and egoistical. Its just plain disgusting...

So Tired

2008-02-10T23:02:00.000+11:00

I'm so tired...

Tired of being sorry.
Tired of apologising.
Tired of making mistakes i have to apologise for.
Tired of caring enough to apologise.
Tired of caring.
Tired of never being good enough.
Tired of wanting to be good.
Tired of wanting.
Tired of having to try so hard.
Tired of trying.

I'm just so tired. Why can't I just simply not feel enough to care?
Why oh why?

the wonders of driving..

2008-02-09T20:00:00.000+11:00

Fisrt of all, I wanna thank Aruna for doing my blog up for me!! I love it! and i LOVE YOU SWEETY!!

Now for some good news...I had my first couple of driving lessons, and surprise surprise! I didnt crash into any trees, knock anyone over or make any dents in ANY part of the car! YAY! I feel so proud of myself. My daddy and my gramma started tearing cause they couldnt believe that their little girl was finally on the road!! Woo hooo!! But i LOVE it though! I never wanted to stop, but i eventually did. (sigh)

Anyways, dinner calls, so i've gotta run, but i'll blog again soon! Ciao!

Goodbye & Hello

2008-02-07T17:24:00.000+11:00

I walked down that muddy slope, just as i had done a countless number of times before i had graduated, giving way to the view of the locker bay that we had so frequently visited. Before, after and in between school hours to diposit and collect books, to catch up with the latest goings on in the lifes of our peers, or to simply take a much craved 5 minute break from the hustle and bustle of school life. I then proceeded to take a right hand turn as i had done so many times previously, which brought me to the entrance of the VCE centre that had been pretty much our refuge from the cold during the autumn and winter terms, our second home for the last 2 years of high school.

It was then that i finally gave way to this overwhelming sense of nostalgia which did nothing short of engulf my senses. It was then that the realisation that things were never going to be the same ever again, hit me. And however much i was looking forward to the start of the rest of my life, my future, i couldnt help but be wrenched back by this sense of reluctance to leave the past behind. To say a final farewell to the comfortable and secure cocoon this place had bestowed upon me for the last two years.

The familiar faces, the recurring sounds, the routine life we had become accustomed to. Its hard to leave the past behind. Hard to step out of your comfort zone into a world you know nothing about, where unpredictability and unstability reign supreme, and are merely a norm that its residents had now succumed to. Where theres no handbook or guide to murmur instructions into your ear every step of the way. When you have to start all over, its infuriating and trepidating as hell. Atleast it is for me, but as i said goodbye to the people i had seen almost everyday for the last 2 years, my mates, my teachers, the surroundings, i finally realised. Realised that it was going to be alright. That i didnt have to leave it all behind, that i could take it with me. and that, needless to say, provided me with some much needed comfort.

And somehow, as i walked out of school for the last time, finally managing to say goodbye to it, to the haven it had provided me with for so long, i knew that it had simply been a pit stop. One i'll cherish forever, but that i have to step out of if i wanted to embrace my dreams. I guess now, after all this time, i'm ready.

I always knew goodbyes were hard, and this just served as an accentuation of that fact, but what i failed to realise up till now, is that hello's are just as challenging.

Why can't we defy gravity?

2008-01-27T00:05:00.000+11:00

Life's sometimes like an hourglass glued to the table
Just like you can't defy gravity
You can't cheat destiny
But even so...
I wish you were here to wipe away my tears
To soothe away my fears

Maybe love isn't simply black and white
Maybe it's anything but wrong or right
The vast blue skies of heaven know no bounds
Never have i witnessed beauty so profound
But even so...
I wish you were here to wipe away my tears
To soothe away my fears

Why is it human nature to always yearn for the things you can't have?

**HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY EVERYONE!!!**

Drivers Permits, Cars & Heath...

2008-01-24T20:59:00.000+11:00

I have a question. Why is it, then whenever i tell my friends from Singapore that i have good news, their minds automatically seem to jump to the conclusion that my return to the all magnificent land of my chong pang nasi lemak is nigh? WHY!? I mean, on the one hand, it is rather flattering that people love and miss me, but on the other, i feel nothing short of guilt racked whenever i have to burst their built up bubbles. And its not too pleasent a job especially since i miss all of them just as much as they miss me, and i wanna go back soon as well. But NOTE TO ALL OF YOU!! Just to clear up any misunderstandings, i'm not going to be returning to Singapore for a visit anytime before 6-8 months are up. Apart from the fact that i'm restricted from leaving Aus till i get my citizenship, i also have uni now, so visits back are gonna be just about impossible unless i have hols. Sowwi...! :(

On a happier note, today i just sat for my drivers test, and as of today with one helluva kickass score of 97% (feel free to faint, i almost did), i now have a drivers permit! WEEEEEEE!!!! My family can't seem to fathom that their baby girl can now drive. For that matter, neither can i. But oh well, lets just all pray that along the way i don't do any major destruction and ram the car into some tree, mutilating it beyond recognition. (Damn, i am such a morbid person). Here's the picture of it!

And i know this is gonna be rather random, but this is the red BEAUTY i have the pleasure of seeing every day on the way to work. And by my use of the word "beauty", which mist usually brings forth positive connotations, don't be fooled. It is EXTREMELY EXASPERATING to walk by it, day in, day out, revelling in the sheer brilliance of its perfection, but haveing the rather cruel but realistic knowledge that it will probably never be mine, always choosing to remain an idle part of my fanatasies. *sob*

On a more somber note, Ausssies very own Heath Ledger has passed away. Reports have relayed that his autopsy has yet to bring forth any conclusive evidence, and that the drugs were most definately prescribed. But, whatever the reason for his death was, it doesn't change the fact that this news is so gut-wrenchingly sudden, that we were none the wiser. A true blue Aussie (i mean, he named his daughter mathilda for crying out loud), he was most known for his daring spirit in choosing to do roles nothing short of controversial, which hence brings forth no gasps of surprise at all the accolades and attributes he has gathered to his name. Hollywood has indeed lost one of its best, and i'm sure he will be missed by all his adoring fans, who were, like me, taken in by those smouldering eyes, that firm, set jaw, and a bod and persona to die for as we greif the loss of the bad boy from "10 things i hate about you". The bad boy that everyone loved to love. He will be missed, no doubt about that. R.I.P Heath Ledger. If nothing else, go in peace knowing that you've left behind nothing short of an ardent following. A legacy.

Its not all a facade. Is it?

2008-01-20T22:59:00.000+11:00

True love cannot be found where it doesn't exist

Yet, it can never be hidden where it does

I hope one day i'm fortunate enough to stumble across it

May it be likened to a cobblestone on a sidewalk

or a stray leaf floating daintily across my path.

I hope i never have to leave my 'happily ever after'

to some aspect of my vivid imagination

But that i'm actually blessed enough to live it

Its more ironic than funny

how we start off adopting nothing but the most wonderfully surreal, optimistic view

of the life that we think we're meant to have,

and how that picture perfect facade lays in wait

only to crumble to peices, lying in an unruly heap on the ground.

So this day i say,

I hope beyond hope that i never have to ask myself

"What if"

.....

University! Weeee!

2008-01-15T22:41:00.000+11:00

Alrighty! The verdict is out!
MONASH UNIVERSITY! HERE I COME!
hahah! i'm excited as you can tell. i got into the
journalism course at monash uni. Enrolment is next week on the
22nd. and we get our enrolment packages in the mail soon.
O man, somehow it seems to surreal that its actually here. Uni.
It seems like just yesterday, i was donning school uniforms for the first time, attending pri sch,
having PE. A life where the future was nothing more than a mere thought in my mind, an event somewhere so far in the distance that i had no business even pondering over it.
But now, its here, looming over my head. Just a smidge away from me. Not even so much
as a stone's throw. Its upon us. And it really makes you wonder, how the hell does time pass you by?!

From this moment on...

2008-01-13T13:41:00.000+11:00

The past week interning at the magazine has been a whirlwind ride. To say the least. It started out on Monday, and right before entering the double swinging doors which would see my entrance into the world of all the hustle and bustle they call media, i was petrified. I honestly just stood there for a couple of minutes, just trying to rack my brain for all the reasons i was doing this internship.

Now, one week, two sore feet, a few headaches, and day after day of feeling nothing short of drained and exhausted, i know why. Because its my dream. Simple as that. Now, more than ever, i'm steadfast in my believe that this is what i wanna do. Amidst all the noise, phones ringing off the hook, that electric buzz of static in the air, and the rapid rush to meet deadlines, I know, without a doubt, that i'd found it. Found the thing which would provide meaning and add colour into my life. I'd finally found my calling, what i'm supposed to do for the rest of my life. the fact that the editor of the magazine saw enough potential in me to tell me, "I have a feeling about you, you're gonna make it in this. And one day, when you're up there on the top, remember that you started here. Remember us". Well, needless to say that those words merely serve as an accentuation that this is what i'm meant for.

So armed with this knowlegde, boy am i looking forward to university. i can't wait. I find out my uni posting on Tuesday. Gone is the hyperventilation and the raw, unhinged fear of not knowing, but instead, it's replaced by the hint of hope, that maybe, whatever happens, happens for a reason, and that all i'm oblidged to do, for now atleast, is to go along with it, doing my best along the way. So, i'l write again on Tuesday to let you guys know where i'm gonna be spending the nest 3 years of my life. ooo! and my helen is back from England! YAY!! i've missed her so much! but now that she;s back, its ON baby! we're gonna make plans to go to the Aussie Open, and she and rach and coming along with me and my family on tues to watch 27 dresses. Can't wait!

i don't do hobbling..

2008-01-10T22:53:00.000+11:00

Hey Guys
I know i've been MIA for some time.
Work at the magazine has been INSANELY crazy and hectic!
And i'm LOVING every moment of it.
So i say, bring on the hard work.
I'll write more about my week tmr or sat.
For now, i'm too tired. and some useless box full of
shoes sent for photo shoots fell onto my left foot
which has now promptly swelled up.
Ouch ouch ouch. :(
But o well.
I'll write more soon!
Ciao!

O christmas tree!

2008-01-04T22:06:00.000+11:00

WARNING!!! THIS IS GONNA BE A PICTURE HEAVY POST!! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK! HAVE FUN! HERE ARE THE PICS FROM CHRISTMAS EVE AND CHRISTMAS DAY! THE ONES FROM NYE AND NY WILL FOLLOW SOON AFTER!

Our Christmas tree!! and all the pressies!!

our lighted staircase! va va voom!

me and uncle dearest outside the rest. @ Knox!

i LOATHE the peace sign. but i was too happy to care

my gawjuz dress! and i have NO idea what i'm doing. lol!

the mum to be! and meee!

in between gorging down YUMMY food!

CAT BURGLAR!

boo boo! xmas day! (dont ask about the name) lol!

in the car on the way to our family dinner!

my darling gramma! me LOVES her!

yeap! they wanna eat ear wax!

my daddy dearest and me at the restaurant!

My aunt & meee! on christmas eve!

i know its dark, but this is what my house looked like all lighted!

gabby's room. all PINKED out to the max!

papa mathias and mummy marianna on xmas eve!

my uncle and aunt on xmas eve!!

i always knew they were gay! lol! i love my bros!

the Grandkids!

GABS! and her obsessions with that feather boa! lol!

aunty rach! why so sad? :(

Say goodnight, not goodbye..

2008-01-02T00:11:00.000+11:00

Its 11 mins past midnight, and the first day of the new year has officically ended ( here in aussie, not yet in sg). i somehow still can't quite fathom that a whole year has ended, seeing the beginning of a whole new one. It seems slightly surreal if you ask me, but then again, i should be used to this right? The whole concept of the "passing of time", eso since this is my 19th new year to date.

They say that how you spend the first day of the new year is pretty much akin to the way the rest of your year is gonna follow, and i'm not sure why, of all the superstitions i've been fed, i chose to believe that one. but i do. that being said, my first day wasnt perfect, far from it, but having said that, i'm more than satisfied with the way i spent it. With my family, and with the people i love. So, even with the imperfections of the day, i know this year i gonna be alright, no matter what trials and tribulations come my way, because i have them by my side. All those who love me, and i have my Lord. I mean, what more could i ask for right? (mm, well, dont get me started. i have ALOT to ask for. gimme a genie and he'll BEG to be destroyed), but thats so not the point here. hahah!

So, with that, i wanna say a BIG, FAT, WHOPPING hello to 2008. I went through quite alot in 2007, alot of them sad, misery inducing events which left gaping holes in my heart which are yet to be mended, but i'm glad all thats behind me. We can never truly say goodbye to anything in this world, not through new years anyway, because of this thing called memories which follow through with us. barring amnesia of course. so i guess the best we CAN do, is to learn from those sorrows and moments of trepidation, use the lessons the guide us through what is to come.

But wanna know a secret though? I'm scared as hell to face it all. Not again. I'm just so scared. But then again, who isnt?

The passing of time...

2007-12-30T01:34:00.000+11:00

2 more days and counting. 2007 is almost over and it seems like just yesterday that i told Helen that there was no way this year would go by in a flash while she so vehemently tried to dissuade and dispelmy obviously incorrect theory. Now there are but 2 days left of this year, and i'm left here wondering if this is how quickly the rest of our lives are going to go by. In a flash. So speedily that we know not what has hit us till we feel the vast impact of the after shock.

Its at times like these when i reminisce the time my elders told me tales of how, the time you stopped wanting to grow older would be the moment when time would seem to take on a life of its own, and boy were they right. Spot on. I find myself wishing otherwise. Wishing that they were anything but right, cuz right now, all i can see is my life passing so rapidly before my eyes without any ability to control it, slow it down, or stop it.

So, as i look back on 2007, here are some of the things that pop into mind with but a mere moments notice:

Aunty Sarah passed away, followed closely by Kenny. I still havent got over it. Wonder if i ever will. i wonder if it ever gets easier.
I got closer to so many people and i gained two best friends who i now consider as close to my heart as sisters are. Helen and Rach, i love you guys. Helen! Hurry up and come back from England! its too damn cold and dreary down there! and rach! i'll see you soon baby!
My prior best friends, joce, jing and lyz. We have somehow made a concerted effort and kept in touch. I know its hard as hell to maintain a friendship after having not been in the same country for about 2 years. but somehow, we managed to do it. I love all 3 of you guys, and though we're far apart in distance, u guys'll always have a peice of my heart. forever. JOCELYN ELIZABETH GUNA!!! i love you for always being there for me, when i need to smile, vent, cry, torture you, and call you horrid names like piggy, your there. and for that, thank you. from the bottom of my heart. i'll make sure the guy who failed miserably with the surprise party treats you well always. :)
People i miss: sammy! ( i love you my anjadi aunty!), lata, joel, shannon, nick, thanesh, sharon, aruna, sharan (i'm so glad we finally got closer!), rajiv (even though 1/2 the time i wanna KILL YOU), bernice, khai,vithya, nish,wei ling, darshini, vanessa and if i missed anyone out i'm SO sorry!
i successfully completed my VCE making it to the top 10% of the state. secured an internship at a couple of mags and TV stations, entered a literature festival, learned how to play footy and then got my ass kicked along with the other Yr 12 girls. *sob*

I think the biggest accomplishment i've made this year, is that i made i through relatively unscathed. there were ups, and downs, but i made it through. and THANK GOD FOR THAT! i wouldnt have been able to make it through without my Lord Jesus, and most importantly, my family. So, what i have to say right now, is to BRING ON 2008! I'll handle anything you throw at me. Uni, here i come!

I don;t know what the future holds, no idea whatsoever, but what i do know is that i'm ready for it, for my new beginning armed with old lessons learnt throughout the years. I'm ready for my future. and call me crazy, but i can't wait.

Stars so Bright, Heavenly Light. On this day, many moons ago, My Lord was born.

2007-12-25T03:27:00.000+11:00

Its 3.50am, I just got back to my room, And alas, its Christmas.

I feel like i spent the entire year, waiting and yearning for all the festivities and joyful celebrations which come with the territory of the season of love, giving, family and an accumulation of wonderful memories. And its finally here. At last. The only trepidation i feel encompassed by my overwhelming embracement of the holiday, is that after the incredibly long wait, its all gonna be over so soon. As is the case with most good things.

Christmas is by far my favourite holiday. It outranks any other competing season or holiday, even my birthday and New Year. Its the time when the whole world unites, regardless of race or religion, whether or not you're christian and believe in the spiritual aspect of the day, you somehow just can't help but be caught up with the vibrant colours, enthusiastic caroling, the hustle and bustle of last minute shopping for loved one on the 24th of dec. Its so intrinsic that its hard to describe. but its one of those feelings which only christmas is blessed to deliver to recipients all around the world.

This christmas was a radically special one. Firstly cause its our first xmas in our new house. but also cuz, for the first time in 2 whole years, the WHOLE family is together, conjugated in one place. and the feeling i get as a result of that is indescibable. Beyong words. Beyond tears, even beyong emotions. Its that powerful. Its been a long time coming, and i'm glad we're finally all here. I missed it all. All in all, this xmas has been perfect. Having said that, it doesnt mean that it was without flaws. Oh no! not even close! The day started out with me being rudely awoken from a deep slumber (having a VERY nice dream might i add), to o some last minutes xmas shopping, and having been told that it would be no longer than a hour, i decided to wear my fav pair of heels. BIG mistake. Turns out it took about 5 hours, and 1/2way through that, my feet were killing me so bad that i was nothing short of FORCED to buy a pair of flip flops. Then came the wrapping of the pressies at home. and, omg, they just came one after another. But the point i'm trying to make here is that, it was perfect in all its imperfections. It was those flaws and mishaps which make unforgettable memories. My memories; of the neverending bouts and flares of anger, all that impeccable noise, and the general chaotic ambiance which tends to surround any of our family occasions. And i love every minute of it.

Alright, i'm out! Stories and pics of the day will follow soon. But for now, i'm perfectly contented, falling into slumber with the radient pure glow the full moon exudes, substituting for the light my bedside lamp usually provides, and the soothing melody of the carol "What child is this" which is currently playing on the radio. Its lulling me to sleep, and i'm only too happy to oblige. Its been a magical time. So beautiful, that this is one of those that you wish never goes away. If only i could put this day on repeat.

Did i mention that i absolutely ADORE christmas!!!!? Night world! and have a BLESSED CHRISTMAS!!

can you smell xmas? i can.

2007-12-22T23:19:00.000+11:00

Sorry i haven't updated in a while, been really busy what with christmas coming, and all the shopping, and tearing my head apart, wondering what to get certain ppl. But yea, my results...

Well, i did REALLY well! All that hard work finally paid off. All in all, i'm in the top 10% of the entire state, so needless to say, i'm beyond estatic! Thanks to everyone for their prayers and well wishes! Love all of you!

I'm out for now, so damn tired, and i've still got stuff to do. All this running helter skelter, and chaos my family seems to be thrown into every christmas season is back again. It gives new meaning to the term "the maddening crowd". but i absolutely LOVE it! its by far my favourite holiday season. I'll write again soon!

Countdown't almost over.

2007-12-16T00:50:00.000+11:00

Ever pushed something imperitive to the back of your mind, convincng yourself that it could be dealt with at a later date simply cause it was a long way away?

Yea, i have too. Guilty as charged. And this crime comes in the form of my looming results. As of Monday, the 17th of Dec, at 7am, my results, the key to my future as i've envisioned it, will be revealed to me. And God help me, but every single time i so much as THINK about it, or hear anything results related being mentioned by someone around me, the heart rate takes off at speeds you can't even concieve. And lemme tell you, its not a good thing. Seriously! i'm gonna end up giving myself a heart attack one of these days with my incessant hyperventilation.

I keep asking myself how the time passed so fast. I mean, the last time i checked, exams JUST finished! But i guess thats what meant by the concept of "fleeting time". Now you see it, and now you don't. So come Mon, i'm gonna hafta face the music, so to speak.

All i need to see on that computer screen is a 96. Needless to say, thats no easy feat. but i get it. sorta. Stupid people can't become journalist. So simply put, i need to be in the top 4% of the entire state. WAY to freak myself out again. I'm starting to ramble as i always seem to do when i'm in a state of disrest. So i'm gonna stop now. For my sake and for the sakes of everyone who's reading this. Just cross your fingers for me guys. And your toes and eyes as well if you could bare to spare them for a lil time. Can't promise to repay the favour, but i'll TRY.

Now, off to another sleepless night. Tossing and turning and imagining the worst possible scenarios. No need for nightmares! No sir-ree! My imagination is my very own catalyst for all nightmares could possibly deliver to my already unstable state. Oh boy. I REALLY need help.

Night World!

The lifeblood of the human race.

2007-12-13T22:47:00.000+11:00

Passion.

It enslaves us. Inoculates our senses. Consumes our very being.

It torments us with its very existence, captures the very core of us, making us puppets in the wider scheme of things, a mere prop in a grand theaterical production we call life.

If we're fortunate enough to posses it, we somehow find so much "colour" in our lives that we resort to shying away from it, just to retain some shred of sanity which pulls us back to reality. Because the sheer complexity and intricacy of it all somehow seems to numb our common sense. So much so, that the very existence of passion creates a stepping stone to chaos, somehow accentuating it. Creating a world where we're helpless to the wiles of unpredictability.

Yet without it, we're left feeling hollow, incomplete. Left with this meaningless sense of incompletion. We'd have the beating heart, the blood flowing through our veins, the ability to breathe. But no actual life.

So, in totality, you could say that passion is the lifeblood of the human race.
Funny how life comes down to one thing. It's almost too simple.

The "M" Button

2007-12-11T17:24:00.000+11:00

Alrighty, alot of people have been asking about the interview and how it went. Well, it went GREAT! and i got it! Its so amazing cause now, i'm gonna be able to get all sorts of experience pertaining to TV. I'm gonna be able to help out with the producing, writing, camera work, shooting, i get to follow them on shoots, editing...blah blah blah. Needless to say, i'm beyond excited.

Tonight is Helen's dinner. One of my best mates is headed off to England for one month to visit the rest of her family. I'm gonna miss her! Well anyways, tonight is gonna be the last time is see her till next year. So the gang is gonna get together and bid her farewell. Then after that me and my bro are going to Ravi's 20th birthday party @ Jimmy's place. The poor dude can't seem to fathom that he's turned 20! lool! poor ravi. oh well, he'lll get over itt. So yea, tonight's gonna be quite hectic, shuffling from one place to the next. But it'll be fun!

Speaking of fun, yesterday was SO FUN! Az, rach, lili and me got together, laughed alot, did a TONNE of stupid things, tried on perfumes, watched a movie, looked at their old yearbooks and talked about how next mon, we would have all got out results. and if course, me being me, i started stressing and they had a BLAST making fun of me and how badly i wanted to do well. Horrid people. But oh well, i love em.

NEWSFLASH!! Not that its of any interest to anyone but me, but the "M" button on my keypad is being stubborn and not co-operating with me. Gotta get my uncle to check it out, cuz God knows how badly i reek at computers. Or anything pertaining to technology for that matter. For now, i'm off to get ready! Ciaoz!

Matters of life. & of death.

2007-12-06T23:45:00.000+11:00

"If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?"

-William Shakespeare
(The Merchant of Venice)

I guess the one thing extremely imperitive to the survival and cohesion of the human race, is the understanding and acceptance that our actions have consequences. Some more dire and exacerbated than others. Our words can have an antagonistic and pessimistic impact on others. A mere look could lead the breaking of a heart. Even our mere silence could impose on the meagre aspects of a life.

So next time, before saying or doing anything, make sure you always pause, and give yourself a moment to ponder the repercussions of your words. Of your actions. Because, in truth, you never know do you? You never know who's watching, who's listening, who's crying, and who's dying at the other side. And to be honest, there's too damn much at stake to take such chances.

You could say that its a matter of life or death...

Journalism, Pain & Helen

2007-12-05T23:08:00.000+11:00

ouch. ouch. ouch. thats pretty much the word reverberating through my head right now. Why u ask? well, nothing dire or anything. my aunt just pulled my eyebrows for me since i've made a disaster out of it since she's been gone in Perth. and well, it didnt look all too good. In my family, whenever someone's eyebrows looks like a rainforest, we've nicknamed it "skippy the bush kangaroo". and today, i was skippied! :( so i knew it was time to ask for aid. and that would be puttin it nicely. so yea, she just "cleaned up the mess i made". LOL!

My week has been pretty ordinary. For the most part anyways. I've been calling some newspapers, magazines, tv and radio stations, enquirng about the availibility of work experience. Cause in journalism, thats everything. and man! is it competitive! i've got a couple of favourable replies but i'm not gonna say anything about it just yet cuz i dont wanna jinx it. I've got an interview on friday for a TV station. and bOY am i scared, but i've decided, they sure as hell don't want people who are scared, thats not being a journalist is all about. they want people who arnt afraid to say the things which everyone else thinks but never project out loud. They want someone who could, both literally and metophorically "grab a bulls balls" as one not-so-wise mate of mine informed me. hahah!.

so i'm gonna walk into that interview on friday, and be the confident, dazzling, witty and intelligent joanna i know is in there somewhere. Just gotta stop hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf first. God help!

So, thats friday. i hafta go into the city for that one, and tmr, i'm finally gonna get to see Helen after God knows how long! i miss that girl so much! We're gonna spend the day together, just shopping, chilling, movie-ing (i know thats not a word, but work with me here), and just basically spending some quality time together before she heads off to England to visit her family. Mmm, one month w/o Helen Woodhouse. However will i survive? Oh well, atleast i still have Rachel La! who i'm seeing together with Azzie on Monday! weeeeee! can't wait!

The lesser of two evils

2007-12-03T01:44:00.000+11:00

Sometimes, telling the truth isnt always good, and telling lies isnt always bad.

My heart's aching right now. I've tried being patient, understanding. Even made excuses for him. But there comes a point where i NEED some reciprocation. Its not a matter of wanting anymore. I NEED it. More than he'll ever know.I need him.

The tears are free flow now, and i don't know how to make it stop. What the hell have i become?

I'll cross that bridge

2007-11-27T01:57:00.000+11:00

There are things we know
Things we know not
Matters we understand
Instances we just can’t seem to fathom
And in between each of those extremes
The crossing which bridges the great spanning gap
Between the known and the unknown
Between the understandable and the unfathomable

Lies a door
Awaiting our strength, and courage

It lies in wait like a seductive temptress
Willing us to make a choice
The choice to take that final step
With resounding valour
The choice to unlock the secrets
Of the realm of the unknown
Of what lies yonder
The choice to face fear; stare it in the eye
To be mavericks in our own ways
The choice
To open that door

The door which lies between our current dispositions and our future.

Behind which lies some things we all yearn for.
Answers, knowledge, acceptance.
Life in all its glory and splendour.
Open that door and tell the world.

I. AM. NOT. AFRAID.

Babies and Memorising

2007-11-25T13:51:00.000+11:00

I have amazingly wonderful news! My aunt, Joanna (yea, the one with the same name as me). She's PREGNENT!!! It was just confirmed a couple of days ago, and i'm gonna be the kids' godmum! and i KNOW most ppl who i've told so far have had rather uniform reactions to this peice of news that i'm so estatic about. They say smthin along the lines of " omg! the poor kid!" and "YoU!?"...thanks alot guys, i fee so loved.

That aside, now that my life is totally devoid of any form or studying or cramming facts into my brain, i feel so lost. like my life has somehow lost its purpose. cuz as far as i can rmb, my life has been about studying, mugging and memorising agonizingly mundane facts which seem to provide no use beyond the classroom. SO i now find that all sorts of random memorised facts keep floating around in my head. When placed in solitary confinement, these facts makes sense to me, but when structured into form, these facts somehow lose all their prior coherence. SO its all there. Just floating away.

Law:

"Provocation is considered to be an anachronistic defence beacuase the factors which diminsh culpability are now taken into account in the sentencing of the offender"

"The Chicago Jury Project worked in favour of abolishing juries in the courts because the outcome showed that judges disagreed with 25% of jury verdicts and would have convicted in 16.9% of cases where the jury acquitted"

"An example of developing existing legal principles can be seen in the case of Donoghue V Stevenson (1936) where Lord Atkin distuguished Winterbottom V Wright as he believed that the principles of privity to contractual liability shuld inculde 3rd parties to a contract and he then subsequently developed Judge Brett;s proximity principle and expounded this view in his neighbour principal, establishing the principle of negligence"

Business:

"Employess expectations are the formal and informal beliefs of the employess; formal beliefs being a written employment contract and informal being preconceived ideas which come about through word of mouth and advertisements. egs being scope for promotion, felxible working hours and fair wages"

" IR laws and AWAs"

"Contributions of LSOs (Large Scale Organisations) to the economy.

English:

"In Sky Burial, the already introspective and laconic Wen became evn more confined and idiosyncratic with the kidnapping of her friend and confidant, Zhouma"

"Look Both Ways: "doesnt matter how life ends, matters how it was"
"do you see death when you look at me?"
" Do you believe in God? " "How could anyone believe in something so bloody ridiculous? A big guy sitting at the top saying, "Oh, you've been bad! Off you trot to hell!"

yea, so as you can see, i'm going INSANE! and i dont believe i actually just bothered to type all that out! I have too much time on my hands! Somebody! HELP!

reeks of puke

2007-11-23T20:09:00.001+11:00

I'm ill. Great. I've been throwing up for 2 days, not being able to keep anything down. and i've got this mind numbing headache which take the words "searing pain" to a whole new level.

All i can say is, thank God this didnt happen during my exams. If not i could have just kissed my 96 ENTER goodbye and along with it, my acceptance into the journalism course @ RMIT.

All we need is time

2007-11-22T23:25:00.000+11:00

"Time, flowing like a river
Time, beckoning me
Who knows when we shall meet again
If ever
But time, keeps flowing like a river
To the sea"

"Time flies. Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds."

-Meredith Grey

Time. A concept so subtle, yet powerful and assertive enough to control the way each man leads his life. Day by day. It makes you wonder, how something so intangible, something you could so easily forget was there, can dominate your life so blatantly.

Time. We all yearn for more of it. "if only there was more than 24 hours in a day", as so many of us have lambered on with an incessant, unrelenting tirade or conquest to save just that one extra minute which would grant us more time for somthing or another.

Time. We need it. So much so that it has reached such an imperitive nature, that we now liken it to the bare essentials of living. Air, water, life. We all need time. To heal our wounds, to collect memories, to grow up, to cry, to laugh, to love, to yearn. To move on, to let let go, to remember, to forget. We need time.

Its so precious. You never know how little of it you had left till it gets taken away from you, with no care or concern for the repercussions of trepidation or languish you or the ones you love will be left to deal with. So stop wasting it. Stop squandering it away with querluous moments. Cause when it comes down to it, we don't have quite enough of it to play with. It could all be over in a second. One second.

Thats all it takes....

where are you?

2007-11-20T11:35:00.000+11:00

What it the flavour of life? By far, the most unanimous answer i've got as of now, is that the flavour of life, is none other than love. SO what then, is the flavour of love? This one got alot of people stumped.

Just as the myriad of colours the sky brings forth changes with the passing of time, so does love. It can be bitter, sweet, sour, spicy. You name it. Love can also be so contradictory within itself. When you know that something which is spposed to be the epitome of heaven itself can be described as bordering on the hinges of hate, you know for a fact that there is no way in hell you could ever trust something so unpredictable.

i wanna trust you, but i can't seem to

you haven't picked up any of my calls

you said you loved me, so very much

and yet, i find that i somehow haven't heard your voice in weeks

whats going through your head?

where have you been? what are you doing?

i hate not knowing. it kills me, eats me up from the inside out

but thats what love essentially is isnt it?

it gives you life, then it takes that life away from you

without any care or concern about the state you're left in

Where ARE YOU!!?

Partay!!

2007-11-18T20:53:00.000+11:00

this is gonna be quick. as short as possible cause i cant seem to go one day without writing something. be it in my journal, notebook or blog.

had my party on the 17th. it was AWESOME! we had the best time!really felt like we were all kids again. playing games which were the very epitome of our play time when we were kids, covered in sand and mud, and oblivious to the problems and complexities that the reality of the outside world had to offer.

after most of the others had left, helen, joelle, faire, jimmy and ben stayed over, and rach, sayer, lili and ben left at only about 3.30am. after which the rest of us played xbox (which i found out, much to my utter amazement that i'm actually quite good at), played charades, watched movies, yapped on for hours, contemplated prank calling people, had a rather DAM (deep & meaningful) convo and eventually drifted off to slp only to wake up about an hour later.

all in all, it was a wonderful day. thanks to all of you who made it special! i love you guys! i'll post pics up soon, but for now, 1 hour of slp in 48 hours is just NOT cutting it anymore. so i'm out. bye world!

ps...man i LOVE to talk. this was spposed to be short. i should really learn how to summarise.

up, up and away!

2007-11-16T15:47:00.000+11:00

Finally. I can say a big FAT goodbye to this:

and give one hell of a welcome to this:

not having to worry about time management and contraints and being able to just simply wile my time away. Man that sounds so good.

The Sky's the LIMIT!!!

ps..i know i'll be complaining about having nothing to do in about 2 weeks, cuz i have this incescent need to always keep myself busy with somethin or another. but for now, freedom tastes so damn good.

so close, yet so damn far.

2007-11-14T20:43:00.000+11:00

six down. one to go. its so close, i can almost taste it, touch it, feel it. hell, i'd even consume it. this fri at 2pm, and it'll all be over.

i'm running on 4 hours of sleep. after 72 hours. how? numerous cups of coffee. i'm almost there. just gotta sit my ass down and study now.

oh help. i'm gonna pass out.

For my Grandmother. 3 years on..

2007-11-10T22:01:00.000+11:00

Three years ago, to this very date, my grandmother passed away. It was barely a few hours after my birthday had passed, and we got the news that at 7.30am on the 10th of November, she had drawn her last breath, felt her last heartbeat and closed her eyes for the last time. Somehow, 3 years later and i still feel my chest tighten at the very thought of it, i feel the tears prick my eyes and i feel the tightening of my throat. Just as i felt 3 years ago when we found out.

I still have nightmares about it, still have horrific nightmares of her dying, with my heart thuddering, taking in gasping breaths of air, only to awake and realise that ur dreams cant take away from you something you've already lost.

She's gone. has been gone for a long time, and she's never gonna come back. thats the cruel, harsh reality of the situation. I'm never again going to be able to stand next to her in front of the mirror and put my arm around her shoulders to make myself feel taller since she was so incredibly small. I'll never again see that small, secretive smile which splayed across her face, showing me how much she loved it when i did that. never again be able to taste those mouth watering gulab jamuns she used to make for me each year for my birthday just cuz she knew i loved them. never be able to touch my nose to hers and do our little spastic dance again. Never again. Kelly Clarkson said it right. Never again.

I love you Thathi. Always have, always will. and even though you're no longer here, memories of you putting in your fake teeth after finding them from our hiding place will have to keep till i see you again in heaven. I love you so much, and for all my eloquence, i cant seem to put my emotions into words any better than that. Because thats all it come down to. I hope i'm able to shower the abundance of love you showered on me on someone else, so maybe, someone else might have the pleasure of feeling even a tiny, minute fracture of the abundance of love that you so readily bestowed on us.

God really is good, cuz he gave you to us. I know you're watching over me, every step of the way, i know you see all my tears, feel all my pain, share in all my happiness. and i hope, beyond hope that you're proud of me, more than anything else, i hope that what you see brings a smile to your lips; just as thinking about you brings one to mine.

HAPPY BIRFDAE TO MEEEE!

2007-11-09T12:20:00.000+11:00

Wanna know something funny? I almost forgot that it was my b'day today. hahah! I was so caught up with all my mugging and studying for exams that i was so oblivious and completely forgot till i went to school and my friends bombarded me with hugs and birthday wishes.

What an absolute shame that i had to sit for a maths exam on my bdae...oh well, it'll all be over soon, and i CAN"T WAIT FOR THE 17TH!! PARTAY!! It's gonna be MASSIVE, with like 60 people coming. So, excited would be the understatement of the century. Now i gotta get through the rest of my exams. *SOB*

so on this day, 19 years ago, i was born. i know i know, some ppl will be crying because of this, for instance joel asogan. idiot. cuz i torture him so much with my incesscent sarcasm. but u know wat? DEAL WITH IT! hahaha! i'm out! back to studying!

doubt

2007-11-08T00:16:00.000+11:00

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand

What you've been out there searching for forever was in your hands

And when you think of how love was all that mattered after all

It sure makes everything else seem so small

-Carrie Underwood

Sometimes, the problems which have been plaguing your life for as long as you can remember are sometimes trivialised so magnaniously that you're left standing in a pool of doubt, wondering whether or not there was in fact something that warranted your undying worry and fear.

All i know right now is that i'm surrounded by so much doubt that i'm beginning to question my initial emotions. going back to the very root of the issue and trying to see what was it that was so great about it which reeled me in so rapidly. was there ever anything there to begin with? was it all a lie? I used to be so sure. but now....

i'm just left standing here. unsure. and surrounded by this massive whirlpool of questions. all these questions to which i have no answers.

Two Souls

2007-11-04T21:52:00.000+11:00

Two souls
So far yet so near
I sometimes think I can
Simply reach out and touch you
Then I remember that beside me, is what you’re not.

Two souls
Oh so perfect for each other
Yet as contradictory as heaven and hell
Sometimes I think a lifetime wouldn’t suffice
For me to convey the magnitude of what I feel for you.

Two souls
Yearning to say those three sacred words
Yearning but never yielding
Strike while the iron’s hot you say do you?
But what of stone cold hearts, what of those?

Two souls
Can you feel them reverberating with fear
Fear and trepidation of the unknown
Of ghosts and shadows which lurk deep within
So deep and well concealed that for a moment,
It slips your mind that it actually exists.

Two souls
Fighting to coincide, or just merely survive
The distance keeps growing and now you seem so far, oh so far
Answers are the one thing these souls seek
Care to help? All hope seems lost

fried brain cells

2007-11-04T00:24:00.000+11:00

I have both good and bad news.

Bad= Exams have started. When it seemed like but a mere thought WAY into the future just one month ago. Its here, looming right b4 my very eyes. more like suffocating me actually.

Good=Now that they've started, it means i'm THAT much closer to it ending. It all ends on the 16th of November baby!!

First paper is over and done with. English. My most important paper cause its what i need first and foremost to get into journalism. and i reckon it went pretty smoothly, considering the fact that 5 minutes before the exam i was in dire need of a paper bag to breathe into due to my profuse hyperventilation.

the topic for the issues section of the paper was "Are children today overprotected"? and surprise surprise! people had an abundance of things to say regarding the matter; it stretched to both extremes, from accusing overprotecting parents of "mollycoddling" their kids and turning them into "delinquents, depressed...blah blah blah". and then of course the other side of the issue was presented as well, because, as per usual, EVERYONE wants a say. in that portion, the world was described as "weird" and "desperately unsafe".

no sitting on the fence there. one or the other. and just lemme say, even though i don't neccesarily condone overprotective parents, the kids in my family are prime candidates for being the victims of the act. the rules here are pretty much as stringent as you get. and we turned out just fine. EXTREMELY WACKED AND CRAZY, but fine on the whole. so much for the theory of retired principal jane brown that overprotectiveness turns out tmr's delinquents.

TAKE THAT JANE BROWN!

hahah! k, i'm seriously a gone case right now. too much studying. i'll be back! till then, wish me luck for the rest of the torturous, puke inducing, mind boggling, expidation accelerator of retardation....yea, all i was trying to insert there was EXAMS. right now, JOANNA=FRIED BRAIN CELLS.

goodnight world.

His 17th Birthday

2007-10-31T12:16:00.000+11:00

He would have been 17 years old on the 29th of October. What a pity he didn't make it; a pity for him and for us, because we were cheated of that extra time we would have had with him.

I love you Kenneth. We'll celebrate for you. We'll celebrate the beauty your life exuded to all those who were blessed to know you.

my week

2007-10-29T23:23:00.000+11:00

I've had soo many things going in this past week. Where do i even begin? Mmm, well, the beginning always seems to be a good place.

There was the last official day of school on wednesday. It was a rather somber day, all in all. and i'm not merely describing the emotions felt by all the Year 12 students. it was raining, and well, we were cold, wet and sad. not too hot a combination. farewell gifts were given to the teachers, who in turn imparted to us their words of wisdom for the future in the form of ultra long speeches. but all in all, it was a good day, though i ended up with disguisting hair from the rain at the end of the day..haha!

Thursday was the last Year 12 excursion, and its kind of like part of the school's tradition, so we went to the beach, Flinders, no no, we didnt GO there, we had to HIKE! all in all, at the end of the day, we'd hiked a whopping, mind boggling 6 km! Most of which was uphill, and the last few kilometers was to see a lighthouse we didnt even wanna see! I mean, don't get me wrong, i simply ADORE lighthouses, i love em, but the hike up there has converted me, i was a changed person with renewed views 1 km into it. the sand dunes at the beach were beautiful though, and the guys had a field day jumping off it and pretending that they could fly. and for one moment in time, they actually could, till gravity worked its magic and they came crashing down. mostly one on top of the other. here are the pics...

Elles & Me on the Bus ride there

Faire and Me!

They can FLY! Too bad it only lasted 5 secs..LOL!

Me & my darling Rachel-La!

Bean, Me and Kim @ the beach!

Aw! Me and JB!

Self explainatory...

Etched into the sand, only to be washed away 5 secs later! haah!!

On Friday was our muck up day! Where we got to do anything and EVERYTHING to our uniforms! weee! and lemme tell you, most of us pretty much mutilated them! haha! it was hilarious the ideas that some of them came up with..! Me and Helen decided to do ours together and it turned out wonderful! took us AGES, what with the food colouring to dye the dresses and the transfer paper to print the pictures on, but it all turned out good in the end. Here are the pics!

Elles & me!

Evan and Me!

Some of the girls right b4 their trip to Hawaii!

Hel and ME with her famous FISH FACE!

Luke & me!

This was CREATIVE GENIUS! Perri, Dayno & Clinchy!

All the Year 12's. Love u guys!

More pictures of graduation night and Kim's 19th will follow soon. For now, i'm off to bed! Night world!

Grad night!

2007-10-25T23:02:00.000+10:00

Graduation is tmr! Woo hoo!!

I'm so excited! and what seems like an eternity of an era of adorning school uniforms is about to come to an end!

I'll write more soon, but for now, i'm just too damn tired...can barely keep my eyes open. They're drooping that much. Literally.

i have this weird sense of nostalgia that seems to enveloping me and encapsulating my senses. Cant quite place my finger on the reason. but oh well, hopefully it'll come to me eventually.

Cause as you all know (those who know me anyways), i LOATHE not knowing. with a raving, undying passion.

Sleepy time! GoodNight World!

revel in being indian

2007-10-20T20:35:00.000+10:00

Friday night marked the first time in approximately 2 years that i've seen so many indians congested in one place, for one solitary event. I think the last time i saw such a battalion of indians would have to be in Little India. in singapore; so i think it was more than a slight awakening for me when i saw close to 1000 indians at this function i went to with a couple of mates an my brothers. I think its called "garbhar", and it was MASSIVE! i was seriously standing there for about one entire minute, awe struck, mouth agape, just soaking it all in.

and the wonderful part is that there were people from all ages and all walks of life just dancing together in unison, with no reservations whatsoever and the multitude and myriad of colours was so beautiful. i didnt realise how much i missed being "indian" till then. you could almost taste the freedom in the air. it took us a while to get used to the steps since all the girls were wearing long skirts or saris making it rather difficult to see their feet movements, but we got it eventually, and we got to dance with the sticks too!! haha! i've always wanted to do it, and now i have! YAY ME!

Here are the pics...we were too busy dancing to take more than this..haha!

Rish, Me & Nas in b/w dances!

Us Girlies!

I have NO idea what i was doing...too hyper after all the dancing!

Me and my Bro!

The STICKS people! ARGHH!! i loved it!

and i love being indian...! the food is almost sinful, the clothes are impeccable, the colours are vibrant, the music is addictive and once you start dancing, you can't stop for anything save a desperate need for water or a sprained ankle...there's so much culture and history involved! i mean, wat more could you ask for?

Wishes

2007-10-18T21:20:00.000+10:00

The truth; Essential or Overrated?

Over the course of a lifetime, we find ourselves yearning and wishing for so many things. Placing our heart and soul, our very essence into "talking" some higher power into fullfilling what we think to be our "greatest, most desperate desire". The wishes come in all forms.

Some big, some small, some vibrant with a magnitude of colours, some tarnished by gut wrenching sorrow.

Doesn't matter. Its all the same. A heart that wants for something. But is there really any point in mere "wishing"? Wouldnt all of our time be better spent putting in some effort in making the illusion not just a figment of our imaginations, but a fragment of our reality?

Since you've been gone...

2007-10-17T18:57:00.000+10:00

its been 2 months to the day since you've been gone. and somehow, i find myself missing you more each day. 17th of August. One day that will forever be etched deep into my memory. The day my best friend left this world. The day i was left to pick up the peices and deal with the repercussions of loss. the day i lost the one person i could say anything and everything to without fear of being judged of being a nuisance. I miss you Kenneth. more and more each day. and i'll never stop loving you...

“Suddenly I find myself remembering all sorts of things.
Seems like ages ago but in reality it was just last week that you got your wings.
I can’t seem to remember a time when the days didn’t’ feel like years.
Memories of joy and laughter have now transformed to tears.
Why didn’t fight just a little bit harder to stay?
Why oh why did I always keep my feelings at bay?

I’m so far gone now that it’s all I can do to keep breathing.
If I focus hard enough, I can almost forget the memory of you leaving.
After all this time, I still can’t believe you’re gone.
And though a new day has come, my heart’s still just as torn.

But I promise you this day. Promise that I’ll never forget to remember. Never forget to remember. Never forget to remember. You.”

emptiness and birthdays

2007-10-14T12:18:00.000+10:00

Surrounded by so many, yet i feel so alone. There are so many thoughts in my head, and i want to share them, sometimes its gets to the extent that i just want to burst, to cry out, so that someone, anyone will come and hold me and just let me cry out all my pain and anguish. but yet, i'm so afraid to let anyone in, because all the experiences i have all point towards dissapointment, leaving, sadness. Not too good an insurance policy. I feel like i'm diagonally parked in a parallel world. I wanna get rid of this sadness, this overwhelming fear that i have, wanna love with no reservations, wanna smile with a light heart, wanna have a spring in my step from my carefree thoughts.. but everytime i take those first baby steps, i choke up.

"To her, each mountain, each prairie looked the same; to them, there were subtle distinctions."

Why can't i ever make out that demarcation?

That being said, my Baby Brother who isn't much of a baby anymore just turned 18 today!!! woo hoo!! So, in light of this....

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JOEL!! I LOVE YOU!! YOU'RE THE BEST BRO A SISTER COULD ASK FOR!!

awestruck by the sheer beauty

2007-10-10T19:33:00.000+10:00

I was on the way home today, on the Burwood Highway. The sun was just about to set, and there was this beautiful, warm glow cast over us. Like this perfect cocoon. A halo. It was so beautiful and mesmerizing that it almost took my breath away, and what made it ever more picturesque was that this perfect sunset was the backdrop for the Melbourne City skyline.

For a moment, i just gazed at it, so captivated and awe-struck that such exquisite beauty actually still existed in a world now so full of hate, war and trepidation. and at that moment, i was thankful; so grateful that God placed me here, in a place so beautiful that it can more often than not render you speechless. Just by its very existence, and it was then that i thanked God for all the beauty and wonders he has bestowed on us, and that i'm fortunate enough to be witness to.

So, in honour of my "lightbulb", "picture perfect" moment, i thought i'd share with all of you some of the beauty that i've been blessed to see...Enjoy!

A beach on the Great Ocean Road

Soverreign Hill- Ballarat

The 12 Apostles

Phillip Island

Melbourne City Skyline

The Yarra River

Flinders Street Station

The Cathedral in the heart of the city

No idea what this is, but it looked gorgeous, so i snapped!

Federation Square

Visual Stimuli

2007-10-05T12:48:00.000+10:00

I'll write an entry the next time about the "Miss Highvale Pageant 2007"...think its nothing special? Think again, its the boys of the sch, the jocks, the cool guys, the smart guys, the nice guys, the quiet guys..all of em dressed up as girls and strutting it on the catwalk! WOO! haha, more next time...come back for it!

Depths of Despair

2007-10-01T22:45:00.000+10:00

I hate feeling this way. I've never felt it before , and i have no wish to feel it ever again. It's eating me up, from the inside out. I'm stuck in this rut and i'm trying to clas my way out, but somehow, i cant seem to...

Just when u think its as bad as its gonna get, it gets even more horrendously laconic. How wonderful! how damn wonderful...! I hate the person i've become, so cynical, so scared to trust anyone, to open up, to believe that life holds nothing but "glass half empty" moments. I hate it, and yet, i find myself remaining idle.

PS...Ruth & Sammy, i cant WAIT for u guys to come to Melbourne! Its gonna be AWESOME! wooo hoo!! love u guys! psk...aruna, i'm still hoping and praying for u. I havent forgotton... :)

Back from the "Dead"

2007-09-29T16:23:00.000+10:00

Hey guys, sorry i've been dead to the cyber world for awhile....we just moved into our new house and so we;ve pretty much been devoid of the internet. Its been torture, but oh well, i survived. YAY me! lol!

So yea, just wanted to let you guys know, in case any of you, like my useless best friend asogan went on an imagination overdrive and thought that i'd got kidnapped and put up as a cannabilistic sacrifice..haha! A little over the top, but since he said he missed me, its all gd! Though why it took him 3 bloody weeks to realise that i'd gone MIA is beyond me...

Ok, thats it for now, i'll be back soon... (i added the "soon" after the "i'll be back" in case i risked sounding like a rip off of arnie...)

Surveys...

2007-09-12T09:24:00.000+10:00

List out 5 birthday presents that you wish for:
1. A kickass stereo system
2. An exceptionally high ENTER score
3. a shopping spree!
4. A trip home
5. chocolates galore!! omg, i'm gonna get fat!

Answer the following questions:
1. The person who tagged you is:- Lata

2. Your relationship with him/her:- Good friends/ex school mates

3. Your 5 impressions of him/her:- awesome personality, very smart, one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, ADORES chocs just like me!!, and someone who's there for u whenever u need her..

4. The most memorable thing that he/she had done for you:-she came to the airport to see me off and CRIED!

5. The most memorable words that he/she had said to you:- i miss you!!

6. If he/she will become your lover, you will:- erm, yea sorry, i'm not into the girl and girl thing

7. If he/she become your lover, things he/she will have to improve on will be:-um, prob to be a little less crazy, cuz 2 CRAZY ppl dont work out...lol!

8. If he/she become your enemy, you will:- haha! not a chance! but if we do, i'll creep into your room and shave off ur head! hahah!!

9. If he/she become your enemy, the reason being will be:- that i came back to sg and she didnt bother to see me...lol!

10. The most desire thing you want to do for him/her now is:- go watch a movie with her...

11. Your overall impression of him/her is:- satisfied, loves what she has and never lets it go

12. How do you think people around you feel about you:- that the screws in my head are WAY loose...hahahah!!

13. The character you love of yourself is:- my ability to always see both sides to a situation, and my craziness! lol! though some ppl would beg to differ...lol!

14. On the contrary, the character you hate of yourself is:- i can be very pessimistic sometimes, i am extremely sarcastic, and i have crappy mood swings

15. The most ideal person you want to be:- o man, i never know the ans to this qns

16. Pass this quiz to 10 people:
1.Sammy
2. joel
3. ruth
4. jade
5. jing
6. lata
7. angela
8. aruna
9. lydia
10.taufiq

17. Who is 6 having relationship with?- i have no idea what his name is, but she's HAPPY!

18. Is no.9 a male or a female?- female!

19. If no.7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?- hell no! omg, no way!

20. How about no.8 and 5?- for one they dont know each other and i dont think they're into tt whole lesbian thing...haha!

21. Where is no.2 studying?- ngee ann poly

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?- about a week ago? we seem to be missing each other! :(

23. What kind of music band does no.8 likes?- i dont know abt bands, but she's nuts about robbie williams and micheal buble.

24.Does no.1 have any siblings?- yeap, sisters...

25. Will you woo no.3?- hahah! nope! no offence ruth! omg, there are alot of lesbo references here!

26. Is no.4 single?- um, i think so...oops!

27. What's the surname of no.5?- jing, u have a surname ah? i thought ur name was just wan jing! omg, shit!

28. What's the hobby of no.4?- reading! she loves it!

29. Do no.5 and no.9 get along well?- yeap! they def do!

30. Where is no.2 studying at?- ngee ann poly

31. Talk something casually about no.1?- sammy! i lOVE her! and she's one of my best friends!

32. Have you tried developing feelings for no.8?- haha, aruna! nope, i just met her, but i love her lots!

33. Where does no.9 live at?- yishun!!

34. What colours does no.4 likes?- i have NO idea

35. Are no. 5 and 1 best friends?- hahah, nope! but they're friends

36. Does no.7 like no.2?- haha, erm, somehow i doubt it! lol!

37. How do you get to know no.2?- YJC, and his emo blog...hahha!!!

38. Does no.1 have any pets?-um, sammy, do u? i dont think so...

39. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?- jelly!! she's a cutie!

Memories Fade Away

2007-09-09T13:55:00.000+10:00

What happens when you simplty skim through or gloss over the seemingly unimportant thimgs when you should in actual fact be perusing through them to expose of turn up a hazardous danger?

What happens when memries which were the essencse, the very definition of your happiness somehow slips further and further away from you and suddenly become so obfuscated and vague that you can no longer find even the most menial pleasure from them?

What happens when moments of elation become obligatory and bring you nothing but trepidation , poignancy and dysphoria?

What happens when after such a long time, you finally realise the utter lack of hope you face, the oblivion which stares you in the face, daring you to be happy?

What happens? I really wish i knew. Wish i knew why memories fade, why happiness turns to sorrow, why you keep biting the dust. Perpetually falling down..and not being able to regain your footing...

and time stops

2007-09-07T22:42:00.000+10:00

Sitting in a car today, the silence so pristine and unspoilt. it was simply one of those moments. One of those moments when you suddenly notice one minute, oblivious aspect that you've neglected to notice on so many other occassions prior to this. I sat there, and all of a sudden, looking straight ahead at the myriad of cars passing by at approximately 100km/h, it all suddenly stops. The light has turned red, and all of a sudden, all form of activity ceased to exist.

I look ahead, and i notice how the side of the road parallels the sleek bodies of the cars...all lined up in one solitary row, waiting for the light to change for that they can turn right. Turn right to continue with their lives, their loves, their stories. But at that one moment, during the interim period of one minute, the lights of those cars were flashing in unison, everyone waiting for the same thing, for the light to turn green, so that they can carry on with their lives.

But in that one moment, we were all connected. Not literally, but in the sense that we were all existing together in that moment. At the same place, and the same time. I wonder what the emotions were which were running through the minds of those people. Were they filled with trepidation? were they elated at the prospect of seeing a loved one, or were they dreading what was to come? I'll never know, but thats the beauty of it though....that as those pristine white lights flashed in harmony and the light flased red, all our stories stopped.

In that one solitary minute, our stories had taken a time out. A break in the time continum.
how surreal is that?

the wait

2007-09-05T16:10:00.000+10:00

its so close that i can almost taste it. the fresh crisp mountain air, the scenic view i get merely from gazing out of my window, and, the most imperitive of all. A LOCK! if there's one concept my present living quarters doesn;t cater for, it's privacy. so right now, i'm suffering from an utter and complete lack of it.

so close but yet it seems so far. just barely out of reach. it's like i'm streching out my fingers, but they need to be just 1cm longer, and they're not. the wait is tortourous!

alright, back to the books. what else do i seem to be doing lately? don't answer that, its redundant since there's only one solitary answer which fits. 2 more months! freedom! i can almost taste it...and it tastes sweet, so sweet that i probably shouldnt indulge in those fantasies right now. and sammy? i'm SO sorry i keep dissapearing on u! :) love u always!

Waffle Partay!!

2007-09-03T15:29:00.000+10:00

I keep telling myself over and over...like a mantra. "1.5 more months! 1.5 more months!" Hoping that by saying that, it'll make the long neverending process, the remaining time less torturous....ARGHHH!! i'm going insane from all the studying! Maybe i should just inculcate my brothers motto into my life..."Dont study! Just FAIL!!" lol! nah, i think not. They dont allow stupid people with crap grades to become journalists...

So, last thurs, half day curriculum day. and we had a WAFFLE PARTY! for those of you who have no idea what that is, don worry, we made it up, so NO ur not a numb skull if u didnt know wat it was...so yea, we made waffles, had ice cream, a MAJOR overdose of chocolate! and watched GIRLY movies!! woo hoo....! and 1,2 way thru the choc and the waffles we had a food fight and went running all over the house trying to get one another dirty, in the process looking like utter and complete imbeciles! lol! but it was SOOO much fun! Mekkie, Elle & Fair, i LOVE YOU GUYS!! :)

Got our Year 12 Rugby jumpers today!! finally!! and they look awesome! lloydy, and thorpe were so touched that one wore his on with the tag still in tact, and the other did a semi strip show on the stage just so she could get into hers...lol!

Gotta get going on my uni applications pronto...now, if i only knew where to begin..like evan said, i've got a computer and a VCAA no. so i'm 1/2way there...lol! Ditto!

the illusionist

2007-08-29T19:24:00.000+10:00

I'm sick of being the runner up. Sick of being the one who's the fall back. Sick of being the last resort. Just sick of it. All of it. For once, just for once, i wanna be someones everything, their no.1, the one they think of immediately when they're happy or sad. I dont wanna hafta tie for fisrt place, or be "one of someones best". Dont wanna be loved "equally" or "just the same as everyone else". I wanna be loved MORE than everyone else, even if its just by one person, i'll be contented. I'm just sick of having to fight to be in first place. Sick of fighting for their affections. Just plain sick and so damn tired.

Guess its time for the barriers to come back up again. Its been down for way too long, and when that happens, all u do is get hurt. Best to not let anyone in, that way you only have yourself to answer to. no one on ur right or left. no chance of getting hurt. i have me and thats all i need. Cuz i dont wanna cry anymore, dont wanna feel sad, I honestly have no more tears to cry, no more energy to feel sad.

but as good as that sounds, i'm lying. Blatantly lying to myself. But maybe if i repeat it to myself over and over, it'll actually start to be true sooner or later.

Just hope its sooner. Oh please.

Yo Mama Jokes!

2007-08-23T18:20:00.000+10:00

Alright, this post dedicated to the whole myriad of "Yo Mama" Jokes which have been floating around for quite some time....thanks to Taryn's obssession with em, you will now get the very undeniable pleasure of laughing your asses off...thank taryn! ur my "inspiration". "wink wink"..

Enjoy!!!

-Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!!
-Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"
-Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
-Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
-Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
-Yo mama so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
-Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
-Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
-Yo mamma's so ugly when she went to a beauty salon it took 3 hours for an estimate.
-Yo mamma's such a ho that the only reason she wears panties is to keep her ankles warm

OMG! I can't take it anymore! its sooo mean! :( but oh so funny! haha! you want more? then go look it up urselves you heartless bunch of morons! Geez!

His Wedding Song

2007-08-17T17:23:00.000+10:00

This was gonna be his wedding song, so from here on out, everytime you hear it, dont forget to remember him. Always remember to live life to the fullest, because even though he cant do it anymore, it's wat he would have wanted, cause that just the kind of person he was. He loved life. Plain and simple, so live for him, and thank God for each day you get, cuz honestly, everyday counts. I love you kenny!

Kenneth; I'll always remember

2007-08-17T16:46:00.000+10:00

Good News: The crying has now ceased, i mean, theres still the occasional tear, but i've found the key to not crying. Think about anything and absolutely everything but him. and i'll make it through the day w/o crying. well, w/o crying too much anyway.

Bad News: Though my eyes stay relatively dry now, there seems to be this constant empty. hollowed out feeling in my heart. This constant fear, like the one you get when you're going downwards on the rollercoaster. The feeling's similar i guess, but unlike the fact that you can get off at the end of the rollercoaster ride, there is no getting off here. no going back. no changing the outcome. its stuck in stone. etched into my memory forever; never to be lost.

People keep telling me that i'll get over it, and that time heals all wounds, and i get that. I honestly do. But thats never gonna bring him back, and i'm never gonna stop missing him. Its not gonna get rid of the fact that he died even before he could reach his 17th birthday. Kenny, on top of being family, you'll always be one of my best friends. and i promise never to forget to remember. I love you...always. and you'll always live on, in the memories of those who love you.

In his short span of time on this Earth, he managed to do something most ppl spend their entire lives trying to do, but never achieve.

He made a difference. an actual difference, and i think there's alot to be said about that.

In Loving Memory of my cousin Kenneth...You'll be missed hun. Till we meet again in heaven, always know that i love you.

PS....

and just cause i know you'll LOVE it, i'll say your word for you. You ready, u ready? k here it comes...... WHOOOOOOOOPPPPAAAAHHHHH!!!! haha! u'd better be happy with that, cause its all your getting. =)

sick and tired

2007-08-11T22:39:00.002+10:00

I have so much to write about. But for once, i have no words to describe them. For all my eloquence, i have nothing to say. Can't seem to quite put it all together yet. Maybe i never will, but for now, i have nothing to say except that you should never let your gaurd down. ever. Hoping is a big no-no. theres no such thing as "fair" in this life. and however sad and unfair that is, thats the cold hard truth.

Life is SCREWED UP sometimes....and if one more person tells me "it's meant to be" or "everything happens for a reason" or "he's in a better place" or anything of that sort, i will honestly PUNCH YOU OUT. So if u have nothing out of the ordinary to say, just dont say it at all...unless you want a huge black eye at the end of the day. Just be there for me. your presence and silence and knowing you're there is all i need. For now anyway...

ps...i'm so sorry if i'm being a pain. but right now , i honestly just dont care.

Stereotypes

2007-08-10T18:40:00.000+10:00

Finally! The weekend is here! At the snail paced rate the week was going, you'd have thought that hell would freeze over before you'd finally get to say "Thank God it's Friday"...alright, i admit that i tend to exagerate sometimes, and this is most def one of those times.haha!

Anyways, something happened today that sort of made me think, not that thats something new for me, my mind's always buzzing with something or another, whether or not that something makes any sense is a completely different matter though. Yea, so back to my thoughts. The younger generation of today seem to have placed this label or stereotype on the older generation; that they are seemingly boring, mundane nags who have nothing better to do but to make our lives living hell, and i admit, that can be quite true for some of them and more often than not, they are guilty of doing the exact same thing. Stereotyping and catergorizing. They thing all teenagers are the exact same replica of one another. Spineless jellyfishes who are too afraid to be different so instead just conform to the norms of society and of their peers.

This lady today got so angry with a bunch of teenagers and blurted out, "You youngsters are all the same! All that comes out of your mouths' are profanities." Well, i have news for all of you out there who think along those lines. We arnt all the same, so if you want us to treat you with some respect, you should learn how to reciprocate that respect as well. It goes both ways just as it takes 2 hand to clap, and 2 to tango...STOP with the warped generalisations already!

And for the younger generation, give them a chance. Not all of em are out to get you and make your life a living hell. There is SOME truth to the things they say, and they have walked this earth longer than we have, They've seen more, experienced more, and have a lifetime of knowledge on us...so hear them out. You might just be suprised at what you hear! and the same thing goes for the older people, give us a chance, you never know, you might actually like us...we're not all that bad after all!

kk! i'm out! got hw to do...AGAIN! whats new, story of my life...2.5 more months!! ARGHHH!!

2007-08-08T18:10:00.000+10:00

And there you went....

Sky’s gone dark; the stars are out
I’m left standing in a pool of doubt
Distance grows, the end is nigh
But I still can’t find a reason why

I ponder. I wonder
I yearn for an answer
But the trains pulled out
Too late, you’re gone forever

A cluster forms; the clouds gather above me
I pray for the rain to wash away my fears meant to be
Sorry but I really meant to say
So many things along the way

Oh the rain keeps on coming
Feels like a flood in my head
Is it apprehension? Trepidation?
Now I can’t seem to find the demarcation

Somehow it seems so strange
How things can so easily change
One moment you’re there, the next you’re gone
But I’m still here, waiting for the dawn

Come back to me
Wherever you may be
I wonder if you know how I ache
Each morn’ as I wake

Dreams, University, Tests...

2007-08-07T19:59:00.000+10:00

When i came online the last time, i found out that i'd been tagged, and then i subsequesntly promptly forgot what i'd wanted to blog about...lol! Typical me!

Its August, the month of all the university open days in australia, and the way it works is that they have a couple of universities allocated to each weekend, and then you pick and choose the ones you wanna attend. Granted you cant attend all of em since some of them are at opposing sections of the state. So last weekend i went to Moansh University. Now i'd initially had my mind set on RMIT cause its apparently got the best journalism course here, but then i visited Moansh, and i LOVE it. Like abs love it! Love the way the course is structured, that you get work placement at the end of your undergrad degrees, and that in your 3rd year, you have the option of doing a partial internship and a research programme which takes you to places like New York, London, Belgium and Paris!!! o man, my dream come true! i'm in seventh heaven just thinking abt it !

We hafta start filling out uni applications soon, so i guess i'll make my decision after attending the RMIT open day this weekend....i have a dilemma now! :( hopefully i'll be able to make up my mind, and RMIT will have smthin amazing to offer too! if not, monash is looking pretty awesome right abt now! ;) Alrighty! i hafta go now! Have 2 tests tmr! sob! but o well, u gotta do what u gotta do...

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll out of bed and down on your knees, and for for a moment you can hardly breathe."

You got TAGGED!

2007-08-06T13:15:00.000+10:00

Lata tagged me, now i hafta do this...how wonderful!

Each player of this game starts off with five things they like about their bodies.
People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own the five things they love about their bodies as well.
Start every line with "I love...because...".
I assure you, you might just surprise yourself by how difficult it is to come up with this list.
Please state the rules of this game clearly.
At the end you must choose as many people as you'd like to be tagged and list their names.
No tagbacks.

1) I love my eyes, they're pretty expressive and have a nice colour too (hazel with flecks of gold)
2) I love my fingernails cause they look as good as fake nails but are 100% real
3) I love my mouth, it permits me to share my wonderful sarcasm with the people i love!
4) I love my hair, its long and flowing and looks good all messed up too
5) I love my fingers, they're all nice and slim/long from all those years of playing the piano

Oooo! now i get to tag ppl! Muahahha!!

The people who've gotta do this: Joel, sammy, taufiq, thanesh, jade, jing

School, Schmool & Parties!

2007-07-31T20:14:00.000+10:00

WARNING: THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG POST! WITH LOTSA PICS! :)

Ever feel like you're being sucked down a whirling pool of water, and you keep struggling again the magnanimous currents, fighting back as hard as you can, but its not making much of a difference. Like quicksand....the harder you fight and struggle, the deeper you go. Till nothing or no one can penetrate thee cocoon anymore. I kinda feel like that sometimes. Like i'm gasping for breath, breathing in so deep but comin up with nothing. Doesn't help that i'm claustrophobic either. lol!

My family and friends have been the wpitome of supportive...forcing me to think about other things, taking me out to help me forget, just for awhile all the things which seem to be going wrong. Anyways, rachels party. YAY!! she's finally legal! woo hoo! wrote her a wacky card with banana's & PJs in the front....lol! she really cracked it up! then she got to the end and almost started crying...haha! i love you rach! HERE ARE THE PICS!!

Me, helen and my Bro (i have no idea wat he's doing!)

The fire outside! it was SSOOO COLD!!

KELLY and LILI!! hahah!! omg! she was pissed!!

My 2 darlings! Rachel & helen! oo! wats going on here?

Jase & Matt

Matt & Bella! She named her piercings after me! haha! YAY!

Mark,Dicko,Kimmy,Del and i have NO idea! haha!!!

Yea, so that was Rachs'party. Then there was the Year 12 re affirmation dinner, the night i sang in sch for the first time! i was SO NERVOUS! i thought i was gonna puke! BUT it turned out awesome! Everyone loved, as in abs LOVED it! YAY!! haha! and then the teachers asked me to sing for the entire sch the next day. Needless to say i nearly fainted from all the hyperventilating i was doing, but i manage to get through it, and it was even better than the 1st time! woo hoo!!so yea...it was AWESOME! haha! here are pics from the whole day. long, tiring but worth it at the end of the day...

I have NO idea what Dan is staring at! haha!

Ghetti! aka Marianna! i love you!!

Lloydy! Caught in the act! haha!! i know i know! it really was BORING!

Alright guys, i'm out! Ciao!

Kenneth

2007-07-23T20:42:00.001+10:00

There he lies, thousands of miles away...all alone with his thoughts, barely able to talk. I'll never forget his voice over the phone. I called him, expecting to hear the voice i always do, the voice of an upbeat, optimistic boy who was in love with life, and instead, i found myself hearing the voice of someone i didnt recognise. The voice of a person far beyond his 17 years. It resembled an old person, one abt to totally lose command of their vocal chords. Stretched, thin, cracked.

Like a former memory, a hollowed out vision of his former self. slowly deteriorating into nothingness.

That was enough to spark me off on a new round of tears. for a person who hardly ever cries, i've sure been doing a helluava lot of it. I've been bawling like a baby. and my head hurts so bad from it. i wanna stop crying, i really do, but i cant seem to stop. the tears just keep coming. never ceasing. i cant seem to concentrate on anything. least of all school. and it doesnt help that i've got insomnia and i havent slept in days. man! i'm in dire need of sleep! *SOB*

(Btw, thanks to Joel and Rajiv who managed to both be "ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT" and come up with the idea of knocking back a couple of drinks, which would ensure that i'd sleep like a baby. which was a splendid solution, with just one tiny hitch. I DONT BLOODY DRINK!! and drinking myself into a stupour isnt exactly what i wanna do. EVER)

God, please save him. We still have so much to do together. he has so much to live for, so many people love him. Please, dont take him away from us. Give us a miracle Lord. Please! i'm begging, on my knees, and begging!

The Calm before the Storm

2007-07-20T20:45:00.000+10:00

When all is well, beware....

Life seemed to be going pretty well for awhile. I was actualy happy, contented. I knew it seemed too good to be true, but i thought to myself, "oh well, might as well savour it while it lasts." Little did i know that things were about to take a 180* turn. For the worse. I still dont quite know how to say this, i dont even know what i wanna write, because right now, it all seems so surreal to me. Like this nightmare is just that. A nightmare, a mere dream that i can simply wake up from with everything going back to normal. When i can pacify my racing heart by saying, "it was just a dream, it's not real". How i wish i could. I haven't even fully absorbed it yet, maybe i never will, but here goes. Try to make sense of it for me.

My cousin from Malaysia, this wonderful 17 year old boy, who's always so full of life, with so much love to give, who has the sweetest disposition, temperament that you would never beleiev one so young could posses, a never ending flow of lameness and a mile that never fades.Kenneth. He's got cancer. AGAIN. After we'd all thought that it was finall behind him. From one tumour in his leg, its spread to numerous other parts of his body. His mone marrow, lungs..you name it. his kidneys have failed,, he;s got a tube running down his nose into his stomach and the doctors say he's got a mere 3 weeks to live. A boy, who had his whole life ahed of him, who wanted to become a doctor so he could save others from their demise. This boy's got 3 weeks to live.

and i just dont know what to make of that. really. how is that in any way fair? ridiculous. thats what it is. and the worst part about it is that i'm here, so damn far away. and i cant do anything! i cant even talk to him now, cuz of the tube down his throat. so for now, all we can do is wait. Pray, hope for the best, and wait. But hope is a nasty thing though. It gives you the courage to beleive that a miracle can take place, but what happens when it all comes crashing down? what then?

the answer? i have no idea. i wish i did, but i dont. so for now, everyone, just keep praying, and we'll leave it in the hands of the Lord, cuz theres nothing more we can do.

"The anticipation of the bang is worse than the bang itself"

Dare Girl and Epiphanies

2007-07-13T12:07:00.000+10:00

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference"

I attended this "Dare Girl" christian conference with Joelle yesterday, at her church, and upon arrival at her house, WAY too early in the morning for my brain to do anything resembling productive thinking, she tells me that the thing is from 10am-10pm. Needless to say i nearly fainted, partially cuz i was still 1/2 asleep and desperately need a dose of caffeine to wake me up, and partially cuz i'm me, and SO not a morning person, but oh well...i managed to survive somehow.

It was pretty fun for the most part of the day. It didn't really feel like eons had passed and we were still stuck there, so that was a plus point. The speakers were good, I mean, I didn’t concur with everything they said, but I guess everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. I particularly liked the first speaker, not only because it directly addressed the real and omnipresent issues that girls face today, but also cuz it wasn’t just about the things on the surface, but about the things beneath the surface, the issues that everyone is hesitant and reluctant to talk about.

It really is true, come to think about it. Things like popularity and all the other materialistic things which are so dearly treasured and sought after in this world, they’re all fleeting. There one day and gone the next. That’s why it’s so important to always be your own person, never just follow the crowd, dare to be different, and stand up for the things you believe in. At the end of the day, it saves you from merely being just another face in the crowd. Hence, the poem, “The road not taken” comes into play. Choose your own path, and don’t let the actions of others influence the person you are; because, honestly, at the end of the day, it’s YOU who has to live with yourself, and what you’ve done. Not anyone else.

Ok, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, going on and on, I’ll stop here. Met some cool new people, and a fellow Singaporean, Gillian. She was really nice, and for a little while, I felt closer to home. I actually managed to use singlish without sounding like a whack-job and getting the weird quizzical looks I used to get before I realized that I had to diminish my use of singlish! Haha! So that was good. Alrighty, I’m out!

Ps…cant wait to watch Harry Potter and Joel Asogan, Ron Weasley did NOT die! Useless guy…

Hazards of Moving...

2007-07-10T20:28:00.001+10:00

After approximately 1.5 years in Australia, the brown cardboard boxes have yet again re-emerged. What "joy". As if we haven't done enough packing to last us a lifetime...but apprently not. So its that time where the boxes have to be assembled, all our itty-bitty things have to be wrapped up in newspapers and safely tucked away, we'll probably catch colds from all the dust which has collected over the past year. God knows how many "hidden treasures" i'm gonna find buried under all my stuff, and i'm not particularly sure that i WANT to find out, but oh well...it's inevitable i guess.

Just as they always say, " Failure is a stepping stone to success", i am determined to see this as a step to something better. Goodbye to the cramped living conditions, the multitude of noise, the thin walls which really do have ears, since you can hear EVERYTHING from the next room, or even the room all the way at the other end of the house. Granted it's not that big, but hey, it's just a rented house...so i'll survive for the next 1.5 months till we move into our new house...can't wait!

Those of you who have been periodically talking to me, would have heard ALL about my new house...seeing that i cant stop talkin about it, partially because I NEED my own room again, and partially because it's gonna be so DAMN BEAUTIFUL! I mean, come on, a view of the gorgeous mountains from your bedroom window, a gazebo in your backyard, 20 rooms, 10 bathrooms...annd as an added bonus, you even get to see some cows on and off. [Not that thats very much of a draw. I dont even know why i meantioned it....i'm weird, watever.]

So, 2 months and counting....time seems endless now, but it had to get there eventually. right?

Out of the Blue

2007-07-06T22:07:00.000+10:00

A Swirl of Thoughts

I sit on the fence
Gazing at the cloudless sky
No care, no sense
Just the question, why

No answers come to me
Save a myriad of patterns and shapes
My heart cries out with a plea
But my mind hangs as heavy as old drapes

I needed you, I cried
Where were you?
My tears are far from dried
And I wonder if you miss me too

Maybe I should just let go
Make it a clean sweep
But my bravado is simply for show
Beneath it, I quiver in my sleep

I know not what to do
Explanations have ceased to work
What remain are the bittersweet memories
And a minute hope that lurks

Past, Present and Future

2007-07-04T20:27:00.000+10:00

Cracks that let the winter air seep in, and pipes which are so creaky that they play the theme from the twilight zone without fail each night. as if on repeat.

When the time comes to move on, you've got to clear away the old stuff, sweep away all the cobwebs which serve as a reminder of the past. Of a life you once had. but when you check under the bed, you find things you'd forgotton were even there....

Things which always come back to haunt you. be it in the form of material things, or mere memories. they're always there. Looming within the shadows, in the darkness, waiting to pounce on you.

Why is there always a need to solve life's mysteries, when we should just accept that somethings have no answers. Maybe we'd be better off not knowing at all. not delving, not knowing. But thats not human nature. we always need a reason to hope, a reason to look into the future and see the possibilty of something greater than the life we know, than the life we lead. The need to simply never cease looking for something, anything thats better.

but whats wrong with that?

whats wrong in wanting something better? in wanting to forget the past. in wanting to move on? I say there's nothing wrong. that there's no shame or blame in that. but no matter how far or hard you try to run, it's always there. waiting. never leaving you alone.

know what it's called? your conscience. as simple as that.

jOANNA

Unadulterated Beauty

2007-07-03T21:20:00.000+10:00

Went to watch Fantastic 4 tonight @ The Village, City Century Walk...and it wasn't a phenomenon or anything, but it definately exceeded the average mark. Getting to see "The Human Torch" and his HOT body didn't hurt alot either. =)

On the way back home, I looked up at the charcoal sky, and there is was, just floating so effortlessly. The Moon. It looked so pure and simple, exuding so much beauty and radience in such a subtle way. and it hit me, just how magnanimous this world that God created is. That something which look so easy and uncomplicated could hold so much behind it. All the intricacy and complexities of the world couldn't even begin to explain it.

If i had to choose between the SUN or the MOON, i think from the above paragraph you can pretty much figure out my answer. I'm all but in love with the moon. and how could i not be? it's just beautiful. plain and simple.

jOANNA